I receive a lot of questions about narcissism and why good people become narcissistically abused. Whilst there are obvious psychological reasons, this question is most satisfactorily answered on a soul level.
From a psychological perspective, children who have difficult upbringings will frequently become either narcissistic or empathetic as a result of their childhood experiences.
I believe it’s soul choices that determines for each life time a person’s family, their challenges, themes to explore and who they will become. Although we always have free will, people tend to go into one camp or the other subsequently and that is the result of what the soul is choosing.
On a basic societal level, I see a lot of hatred being directed at narcs and victim energy attached to empathy. Whilst this is understandable, if maintained, it ultimately prevents progress and healing. The only ‘job’ narcissism has from a spiritual perspective is, that narcissists are contributing to change for empaths and for the planet.
They are wrecking balls for change for those they affect, forcing people to choose evolution in order to recover from their own childhood wounding and the effects of adult narcissistic/empath relationships.
In the process of addressing this, the empath will expand, heal and grow in awareness to a level of functionality, where they are free, if they are brave enough. This is a very confronting choice to make and a path I know all too well. For me it was “I do this, or I will die” option. The level of personal development required to flourish beyond narcissistic abuse is epic, however the rewards are great.
If you are at that place of choosing, know that after abuse you can become healed, wise as a result of your experience and empowered and savvy enough to avoid making the same choices in future:
Here are three helpful pieces of advice to consider:
1.Start Using Your Empathy as a Superpower Instead of Destroying yourself With it
Start recognizing your ability to know things about other people. Instead of being crippled by it, study or undergo some coaching to learn how to use it to your advantage.
Empaths by definition possess the ability to know without being told, what is going on emotionally for others. They sense when someone needs something from them and often feel compelled to deliver this, without being asked. This prevents the other person from pain or consequence.
In this process, the empath ignores their own needs and leaves themselves open to being manipulated by a narcissist. Usually the empath has had to provide emotionally for upset adults when they were little. Therefore, they may automatically do the same thing to their partners and indeed seek out needy adults, with which to form relationships.
Feeling other people’s pain and problems doesn’t have to be crippling and destructive. Empaths can regard what they perceive about others as a source of valuable information which gives them an enormous advantage in life. Once they can see this, they can use it to contribute to others where it is most needed, (as a choice) and to communicate with great accuracy and kindness.
For this to happen, empaths need to stop being victims and learn to serve themselves ahead of others. They can tap into their awareness as a super power, instead of a form of servitude that leaves them last.
Much of our conditioning runs in direct opposition to this and therefore some deep inner reflection and shifting of beliefs is required here.
2. Take full Responsibility
If you are repeatedly hooking up with narcissistic partners, it doesn’t mean there are no good men/women left in the world, it means there is something in you that was broken in your childhood that you are re-creating as an adult.
This isn’t victim shaming. It is inviting you to take responsibility enough that you can begin to change the patterns you may have inside yourself that are destroying you, through other people.
Your narcissistic partners/workmates/family members are gifting you the awareness you need to heal you.
The experiences you may have encountered with narcissistic abuse may have been devastating. The aftermath may feel soul destroying, however it is up to you what you do with that and how you move forward, for the rest of your life.
You can let it define and destroy you, or, you can let it motivate you to develop understanding, heal and to develop wisdom and self-awareness.
Many people who make that journey also end up as healers, because healing the narc/empath dynamic is a life altering, profound experience.
3. Learn About Red Flags and Acknowledge them
One trait all narcissistically abused empaths have is, they rigorously explain away, defend, justify or ignore red flags raised by other’s behavior.
We often have a gut feeling about someone and where they are functioning from. But we are entrained by society to ‘be reasonable’ and if we can’t identify what feels off, we must continue to give that person the benefit of the doubt.
That is absolutely wrong and is one contributing factor, to empaths getting continually caught up in other people’s trauma and drama.
As a little person in their family of origin, the empath has had to explain away the poor, hurtful and unloving traits of their significant adults. Unaddressed, that trait will result in poor consequences for them as adults. Unfortunately they sanction unacceptable behavior, long after others would have set boundaries and/or left.
Educate yourself about common red flags and reflect on which ones occurred in your experiences that you didn’t notice. A life coach can help you examine and reflect upon these, see your previous patterns and dismantle them.