‘Self love’ is very popular and trendy concept in personal development circles right now and it is being used in a way that is toxic and harmful.

I see everywhere people firing off the advice “Be self loving” to anyone who is in emotional torment or pain.

Science has now proven that telling someone with trauma to love themselves just excludes them further and does more harm than good. Those people feel unloveable, their trauma means it’s not safe to love and they cannot receive from others because in the past that has brought them danger.

To survive, they learned to put barriers up, which blocks them from allowing abundance, wellness, energy, love, kindness or anything else to flow into their experience. To make matters worse, they feel like a failure for not being able to experience love and the advice “love yourself” marginalizes them even more.

So, by telling anyone traumatized to love themselves, you are not only asking them to do something they are directly, biologically incapable of (until they heal and release their past), you are traumatizing them further!

Thermograph image of how human emotional states emit different frequencies from the body

The way that you can reach someone in this position is get alongside them, show them that you care and offer them options, inspiration and information, with which they can begin their own healing process when they are ready. You can then support them on their journey and over time, they will become able to let love in, operate from love and gift and receive abundance of all kinds.

Of course there are varying degrees of pain, many people just have one life area that is tricky, painful, or not quite how they would like it. However since most adults have experienced trauma and are holding it either consciously or unconsciously, “love yourself” is some pretty messed up advice!

The term ‘self love’ is a misnomer. It is something that cannot actually exist, but because this term has been popularized into something it isn’t, people don’t actually realize this.

Love isn’t something we do, it is something that flows through our being and body, when we become a vibrational match to it. I do realize that we do loving acts when in this state, but unless the acts we do for others are from this state, they are probably just creating an obligation, or wanting to be liked, rather than being based in genuine gifting and receiving.

Let me explain…

Every emotional state has a frequency which accompanies it. Despair has a vibrational frequency of about 20 on a scale that goes up to over 700 mHz. Love has a frequency of 500 mHz. We can only ascend that scale one level at a time, so telling people in grief or shame to ‘love themselves’ is insanity.

We can only vibrate equivalent to love when we are in a reasonably pure state, emotionally, physically and in our thoughts. Getting to that state takes work for almost everybody.

Human emotional frequency table

My definition of true ‘self love’ (as opposed to the popular notion), is this:

“You have no or little trauma or emotional pain body blocking your natural alignment with source energy/your higher self/your inner wisdom/God. Because of that, you are able to be connected to others through a vibration of love, to gift and receive from them and to consistently act in your own best interests. This allows you to align with a love frequency and therefore flow love through you and out to others. In this state, your deeds and thoughts are naturally loving”.

People who have had trauma (until they heal and process changes, releasing their past) cannot experience love. It is unavailable to them and if anyone is unconditionally loving with them, it is incredibly difficult for them to accept and receive, (or to take any benefit from it). It may be they just feel numb or even angry and perhaps extremely uncomfortable, like running away, if anyone is kind or loving to them.

It’s not that they don’t want love, but their system, their wiring, electrical circuitry and thought processes are all on settings that experience love as a threat. It will either box them in to a position that feels scary, perhaps they imagine that the person loving on them wants something from them, or they want to feel joy, but they physically can’t, leaving them feeling unable to be comforted and kind of hopeless.

In my opinion the question is not “How can you be self loving”? But rather is this:

“How can you do the work necessary to attain/be compatible with allowing love to flow through you”?

In other words, how (if you need to) do you clear out the legacy of your past and through your thoughts, feelings and spiritual connection, start to heal?

💗 Remove emotional Baggage

As long as you are filled up with pain, conflict, negativity from others or the residue of difficult experiences, you won’t be able to connect easily with love. 

Science has proven that doing mirror work or affirmations doesn’t work when we are divorced from our inner self through emotional issues and pain. 

If you need to see a holistic counselor, coach or therapist to get your head around things and learn new skills, tools and ways of connecting with your inner wisdom. Get body work to remove your trauma from your neural pathways, energy field, muscle and cellular memory. Find out how to do this with me here

💗 Practice Self-Care, Self-Respect and Self Awareness

Taking amazing care of your body is paramount for doing well in life. Self respect means you have healthy boundaries, a healthy self discipline and respect for others and all of life. These are all things you can learn if you don’t have them.

Have regard for yourself and your talents and abilities, for how you treat others. Nurture these qualities and be proud of them. 

Nail this and pretty soon you can hold a space where love can flow through you and to everyone you know. Then people become drawn to you, as they want what you have and you unconsciously give them permission to be that way too. 

💗 Learn Emotional Mastery

This is key to an amazing and empowered life. Otherwise you will struggle and never understand yourself and others.  

Without emotional self mastery, things that happen will trip you up and take you off course because you will react to things instead of allowing life, expressing your emotions and managing your responses. 

From that space it is hard to be a match for love and to contribute to others as we get caught up in patterns which limit the emotional states we can attain. 

By emotional mastery, I mean learn to understand where your conditioning begins and ends and what your own authentic responses to things are.

You learn to let your body express it’s awareness, whilst choosing your thoughts (and feelings based off your thoughts) in any given situation. 

💗 Be kind to Everyone (including yourself) and surround yourself with amazing people

You can be exceptionally kind and still say no. Honor others, appreciate them in your life and be in allowance of their choices. This is pragmatic loving. Decent people will respect ‘no’ and honor you back. They will see your value.

When people don’t respond in that way, it isn’t a wrongness of you, it’s an awareness of where they are currently at. That is all. You get to chose whether to include those people in your immediate life.

💗 Become a master of sensing and amplifying appreciation 

Gratitude is okay but appreciation is awesome! Appreciation is when you adore without expectation, people, places, situations, yourself, your situation, all forms of abundance and your experiences. 

Trip out on all the things that make you happy constantly and you become a beacon for love and all kinds of beautiful experiences and synchronicities. 

💗 Have a sense of purpose that lights you up from the inside and drives you to contribute to the world and reach your potential

Once you find your purpose for this life time, that sense of God/Universe/Source energy/love is in everything you do. Again this isn’t ‘self-love’, it is connecting with love, being love and allowing you to grow and become the best version of you. 

Don’t focus on the ‘having’ of your goals, but on who you will become in the process of achieving them. This is actually the real purpose of goals (besides feeling good when we attain them), it is the joy, the changes and the journey in getting there. Adopting this mindset takes real humility and it shows. 

When you want to become the person who achieves something because it will change you, your attachment to outcome lessens and you become different.

When we do all of these things, we are able to operate from a state of love, which allows our cup to flow over, filling that of others and making us feel incredible at the same time. This is the real work that people are referring to when they tell others to ‘love themselves’.

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