1.Expecting someone else to love you more than you are willing to love you.
We are taught to look for the knight or princess on the white horse who will ride in and whisk us off in to the sunset to a happily ever after conclusion.
People do experience incredible love, romantic or otherwise. However, until you do the hard work of removing all the barriers you have to loving you, you will have barriers in place to truly loving others and allowing them to love you.
2. Hanging on to past hurts or past regrets
When we do this, we go around with our barriers up. This is a self-protection mechanism to avoid similar hurts and stays in the physiology, keeping us limited until we are willing to address it.
Clear the old hurt and you then feel safe to put your barriers down, which means you are open to receiving love, abundance and connection with others.
This will make your life a lot richer and you will feel more secure, relaxed and happier too.
3. Not trusting yourself due to past poor choices or bad experiences
When you do the work to understand why you made those choices then you are part way to not repeating them. Not trusting ourselves is a sign we are not ready.
What was that naiivity, or the signs that you missed? What was blinding about that person that you didn’t see at the time? Now, you start to empower yourself to be different.
This is a process and it takes effort. This could require counselling or therapy to help you to see the underlying tendencies and patterns that you have and what is beneath those. For example if your parents were alcoholic, you may look for an alcoholic partner, if you were unsupported growing up, you won’t know how to behave to attract a supportive circle.
Knowledge is power and you can develop trust with you. You will trust you a lot more if you’re not running around blind to who others are and to your own tendencies within relationship.
4. Not seeing the Wood for the Trees
You meet someone within your circle who is physically appealing to you. You then project onto them all the attributes you want in a partner, (regardless of who they are and where they are functioning from).
Not only that you, are hard wired to enjoy the thrill of the chase or being chased, the games of ‘romance’ and to go after the alpha male or female. Whilst thoroughly rejecting anyone who you deem ‘not good enough’ for you.
Meanwhile all the people who don’t match your physical ‘list of desired attributes’ but have the characteristics you value, are going ignored, often to your detriment. These people would be kind, caring and a huge contribution to your life, if you would just be willing to see what you are missing.
The problem is not that there are no good men/women out there, the problem is you.
5. You are unaware of yourself and you have a victim mindset
Perhaps you have had a couple of relationships that were painful or didn’t end well, or maybe you’ve experienced abuse or unkindness in the past.
You were 50% responsible and a co-creator in that experience. Not only did you attract it, you created it, fed it energetically and contributed to the outcomes. It doesn’t matter how many problems the other person had. You chose them, (which shows where you level of awareness was) and you took part in what followed.
Now, this isn’t to blame you, we aren’t responsible for other people’s choices. We all make interesting choices and have experiences that we would perhaps rather not have had. The brilliant thing about these events though, is that they have the potential to be life changing for you. If you are willing to see them that way.
A victim says: “Poor me, this happened to me, it was so awful, please feel sorry for me’. Someone who is successful says: “I chose that, it didn’t work for me, I’ve learned such a lot from it, I’ve done what it took to heal and I’m showing up differently next time”.
You get to choose your entire future. Life was made to be fabulous, for thriving, enjoying, playing, creating and having fun.
If you learned a victim mindset, do what it takes to change it! Surround yourself with positive inspiration, examine your own motives, habits and patterns of thinking. Seek out someone who can help you change them. Be bold!! You have absolutely nothing to lose!!
6. You have low self esteem
The reason we don’t love ourselves is because we have low self esteem and we aren’t at ease in our own skin.
For love to work, we have to remove the barriers to love. This requires us to know ourselves well, to accept ourselves, to develop emotional mastery and to have a good way of interacting with the world.
If you find you are never at peace in relationship, it is probably because you haven’t developed a good self esteem and therefore relationship with yourself.
One way that you can be aware of this is, you radically alter your behavior when you are dating, or when you live with a partner. Even in your friendships, you may do this, to fit in, be accepted, or liked. You may be very vigilant to what others are saying or doing.
You may feel like you constantly cover up your sense of inadequacy by saying things to make yourself look good, by putting others down, or by doing over compensating behaviors. You probably find maintaining relationships with others exhausting.
You may often feel depressed and need to withdraw to top up your energy. You perhaps sense you are blocking your true potency and power by playing small and don’t know how to be different.
“Courage comes before confidence” Peta Kelly
It takes courage to change this stuff and to undo what is in us, that is leading to the low self-esteem. Often this takes the guidance of someone with whom we can be vulnerable, honest and open with and share our fears. Then we must learn to let go of these things and discover new tools with which to create our life differently.
If any of this resonates with you, you can contact me here