We all know there is nothing worse than getting part way into something with someone and realizing that we are no where near ready for healthy relationship and we need more alone time to get sorted. Here are some ideas, that may assist you to avoid that scenario:

1. DO THE MATHS

We grow up in a culture where we expect to be swept off our feet by a prince/princess on a white horse and we just expect them to love us the way we are. Not only that, we are often taught to believe that at that point everything in our life that is unsatisfying will be automatically resolved/swept away. It would be much better if we grew up in a culture where we consider what type of partner we are capable of being instead.

RECOMMENDED ACTION: Who do you want to attract? Have you asked yourself if you are the person they want to attract? If you’re not there yet, what do you need to shift, change, work on, heal, let go of or embody to get all the way there? Go do that thing.

2. HEAL AND RELEASE PAST HURTS OR REGRETS

Until we heal, we prevent ourselves from receiving what is here now. The only way out of pain is through it and that takes courage. Whilst burying stuff feels like a good idea at the time, it never is. What typically happens is instead of going away, our inner wounding attracts more of the same, so that we are indeed forced to do the work we’ve been avoiding, it’s just usually a bigger mess to clean up.

RECOMMENDED ACTION: Your past relationships are a rich source of inspiration and information if you allow them to be. Acknowledge, own and clear old hurts, so you can feel safe to rengage from a heartfelt place of security and peace. When we process our pain we become wise and have more to offer another person.

3. CONSIDER THE WAY YOU CREATE NEW CONNECTIONS

If you have a chequered relationship history and maybe you’ve done some self healing and are putting your toe back in the water, you need to consider your formula for who you typically engage with and what your unconscious triggers are for interacting with certain potential mates.

The issue is never that all the people looking to date you are flawed, but it can be that part of your issues have been that you are running poor software internally when it comes to your decision making process. This is actually good news, because it means if you run fresh software, you can get different results.

RECOMMENDED ACTION: If you want different results, you need to make different choices. First off, notice who you are drawn to interact with, but don’t interact with those people. Start to consider what are the cues and signs they send that are part of your decision making process? Is it a particular look, physcial appearance, body language, sense of neediness or insecurity, do they remind you of someone safe in your life from before? Start to understand the way you typically make dating decisions.

Then I would encourage you to interact with those people and observe yourself the whole time and your reactions to what they say and do…This is a fertile source of information and feedback if you are able to be self aware and observe your honest motives, intentions and responses, thoughts and feelings.

I would also encourage you to observe how you make your decisions to dismiss those you’d normally overlook or disqualify and challenge your preconceptions about them. When you want to swipe left, why? Before you do, read their profile again and look at their photos. Reconsider your reasoning. It’s a very interesting process to engage in, right?

I’d expect you to find a few of the former ‘rejects’ who are actually really healthy, interesting, stable potential partners when you go through twice and I’d encourage you to interact with them. This is often where the gold lies and seeing where you feel uncomfortable, challenged or confident and clear (as a result of your work on yourself and the healing that you’ve done) may surprise you.

4. DO THE WORK TO ENSURE YOU CAN TRUST YOURSELF

This can be truly scary and if you still don’t trust yourself, you’re not properly healed. If you know you’ve done a big part of the work, there’s still reason to be open and if an opportunity presents, then to trust that it is divinely guided and you will grow from it, no matter how it turns out. Often these experiences when we’re halfway healed show us the progess we have made, the realizations we have arrived at and they can be pleasantly affirming and support us to refine our preferences and see the work we still have left.

RECOMMENDED ACTION: Do the work, learn, heal, trust life to support you and be gentle with yourself. Your judgment will likely be really good, it’s just that you would have had blocks in the way in the past. Having self doubts and wanting to explain away red flags are all things we can get past and know you can and will attract a good person now and in the future.

5. EXAMINE UNHEALTHY EMPATH OR VICTIM TENDANCIES YOU MAY BE CARRYING AND TAKE RESPONSIBILTIY FOR CHANGING THEM

Perhaps you have had a couple of relationships that were painful or didn’t end well, or maybe you’ve experienced abuse or unkindness in the past and that makes you defensive. That’s understandable and is a very challenging and painful thing to get past, however, you owe it to yourself to grow and learn so you don’t repeat those experiences with a different person and another set of circumstances. When we’ve attracted abuse, there are several things going on.

One is we are carrying childhood wounding that the abuser could clearly identify and take advantage of. (When you heal you will no longer resonate with someone seeking a victim, they will actually be repelled by you). Two, if you have had multiple bad experiences the common theme in all that is that you were there, so you need to take responsibility. Part of this is learning to be respons-able or able to respond appropriately to the signals you missed before now. People always tell us who they are and it can take a long time to get adept at when we are susceptible to manipulation or may be explaining away people’s behavior.

RECCOMMENDED ACTION: Make sure you release any trauma you are carrying and seek support. Get body work to change this and find a licensed therapist or coach who can help you grow your awareness and connection to yourself. Create safe people in your life and slowly grow your confidence that way. Practice healthy boundaries and learn a mindfulness practice.

If you are easily pulled off centre or swept up in things, it’s important to learn to tune into your body and what it is telling you. If something feels wrong, your body will be telling you, but when we have decided we are invested or are attached to outcome, it is challenging to be authentic. We need to learn to value ourselves first and relationships second.

6. FACE YOUR FEARS AND INSECURITIES AND DEAL WITH THEM

No one wants to date someone who is jealous or fearful, or even who needs constant reassurance. The thing about reassurance is, it doesn’t work, all it does is drain the other person and make them feel resentful.

RECOMMENDED ACTION: Whatever you’ve expected your past partners to reassure you about, is where you need to focus and you need to begin to offer yourself reassurance, so you aren’t relying on others to provide it. If we always need someone else to do it for us, we can never be independant or inter-dependant, but are always needy and fear based, which usually results in us trying to control the other person. A good therapist, healer, facilitator or trauma informed coach, can assist you to do this deep work.