This is a painful and devastating experience. I know, because I’ve been through it and recovered and I’ve supported many women through this same experience.
The immediate priority is always safety, followed by support and intense body work and facilitation to start to clear the energies of recent abuse (as well as fear, sadness/rage and anxiety) which are sitting over the top of childhood trauma.
The individuals I support with this dynamic, have mostly had life long issues, as they have always originated in an upset family, usually with a narcissistic parent themselves.
Once there is some stability and the basic needs are in place it’s a matter of starting to heal, look at dynamics, offer support and insight into the challenges, put in place no contact (if not already done) and help with the parenting, the psychological and legalities. It’s a process and takes time and usually involves having to be strong, break down and then get up again, more than once.
There’s a lot of teaching involved and counselling, grief work, getting in touch with emotion and releasing it. It’s about learning to see life differently and start to ask questions about a way forward, that may never have been addressed before. There is a lot of co dependence stuff to address and much childhood drama to look at and clear.
Along the way, we look at specific patterns, areas for manipulation, red flags that were missed. We start to unravel the pain points, self doubts, confusion, self hatred, regret and often obsession with what the narcissist is doing and how they can be getting on with life (usually with a new partner/source of narcissistic supply in tow).
We look at strategies for holding no contact, no matter what the narc is doing, ways of dealing with social media and eliminating mutual or even your own ‘friends’ who will be batting for the other side (aka flying monkeys). We start to create a sense of healthy boundaries and what’s right about you that was probably lost long ago under a landslide of gaslighting, pain, wrongness, fear, insecurity and pain.
The Access Bars are incredibly helpful here, for working on the neural pathways and accumulated toxic debris, pain and blocks in the body. Usually by this stage, there are physical symptoms in the empath and considerable disruption to work, sleep and other relationships. There is immense stress and a lot of disregulated emotion.
This is a process that’s hastened, supported, aided and made so much easier with this body work. The Bars literally clears out our internal hard drive emptying it of the accumulated thoughts feelings and emotions that feel stuck inside. As that electrical circuitry is dissipated, the person will feel considerably better and there is a space from which some relief and ease can be felt, a sense of hope or possibility and less of a feeling of being at the effect of the ‘next move’ of the narcissist.
Along with the Bars, for longer term and deeper healing, I can also make available a process for clearing intergenerational trauma, and the Abuse Hold processes from Access Consciousness, which will enable the empath/client further relief, a stronger sense of who they themselves are at their core and a space from which to re-establish connection with themselves.
I recommend other good self care measures to support this work, such as having therapeutic massage, careful nutrition, yoga or pranayama exercises daily and medication from the GP if required. You may also wish to see a psychologist for EMDR and therapy in addition to the work we will be doing. I can recommend specific practitioners for you to see and make available to you a lot of resources that are helpful for understanding your biology, setting boundaries, parenting and further more specialized information on the empath/narc dynamic.
I will help you interpret specific behaviors you are dealing with and identify areas for healing and patterns within yourself. We can do a lot of Compassionate Inquiry into your family dynamics and do facilitation around your soul contracts and what has been going on for you on a soul level (added into the psychological dynamic) so it doesn’t feel like meaningless, pointless suffering that you have been experiencing.
We help you to take steps forward towards your goals and start to believe in yourself again, gently supporting you to get out there, to trust life and to feel safe in the world. Again, I am intimately familiar with the devastation that goes on in your world and the suffering that accompanies your confusion, your self blame, the senslessness of what the narc will be doing and your confusion about ‘did they ever love me’? Why do I still care what they are doing’? And also helping you see the hooks and steer well clear of them.
Ultimately as we bring in elements of energetic and emotional self mastery, you will start to sense and anticipate what to expect next and you will start functioning on a level of which you were always capable, you just didn’t know how before and you will start feeling really good. You will enjoy this part of the journey a lot. And you will slowly start to become wise and unfuckwithable. That’s really a thing lol. Because you always had the keys inside you to being a wonderful, kind, caring and normal human who is good at relationship and sensitive to others, you will start to realize that you are the one who is better off.
The narc isn’t doing their work. They may be smearing your good name and parading around as if nothing happened, but they are ultimately the one who will suffer indefinitely.
The way their brain was wired during their childhood trauma means, they do anything to avoid the work that you are now engaged in and to maintain the lies of the ego under which they are living. They also wish to maintain their facade at all costs and can’t bear to be alone with themselves because they believe they are worthless. Inside them, is nothing, they are just a hollow empty shell. That for them is the ultimate torture and they always need a new source of supply by way of another person that they sucker in, who can keep them from experiencing that inner reality at all cost.
Which is worse than a drug addict, because at least the addict just needs some money and drugs, however they need to come by them and at least they can go into recovery. The narcissist brain is set up, so they will never go into recovery, because that would shatter the fragile illusion under which they can tolerate being here. So, eventually, you will start to absorb all of this painful and tragic information and be able to develop genuine compassion for them and understand where their evil behavior comes from.
So the short and very simplified version of a long and multi layered story is that you are in massive pain at the point of separation and by committing to doing a lot of work on yourself, you get to have a completely different life and heal yourself. The narc won’t be in any pain at all over your breakup, but underneath it they are in a ongoing purgatory that never ends, they just don’t really realize it, because to do so, they’d have to be honest with themselves and they can’t.
So, I hope reading this helps and I trust that you are brave enough to give this healing a go. You may also wish to connect with SASH and the Womens Refuge for support and to visit your GP to see what support they can give you. I would be honored to assist you on your journey and hope to meet you soon. I also work with kids who are going through this experience, please ask me more about this.