Because we are wired to avoid pain and also to seek pleasure, we typically won’t seek change unless prompted to through discomfort.
By the time we experience significant symptoms, we may have accumulated a lot of layers of related experiences and be unclear about the original source of our wounding. This is usually despite many efforts to shift them or feel better.
It can be really confusing to know why you may be shame based or have an anxiety disorder. It may be hard to understand why depression has come on at a certain stage of our life. (We may have felt okay for a while and seemingly ‘suddenly’ not be, or sometimes recent events have prompted us to not feel so great).
You may wonder….Are you just broken? It may seem bewildering that doesn’t life feel good and you struggle, while others are succeeding all around you.
We may know our family life wasn’t great, but obtaining clarity about how we’ve internallized that and why it is affecting us – sometimes many years later, can take time and effort. Similarly, picking apart a legacy of emotional abuse and toxic narcissism can be baffling and take years to understand and see clearly.
To go there, we have to be truly ready to do the work of changing and often have to remove a few layers of pain first, before we can bear to see beneath. That’s where trauma is so sneaky and the thought of releasing it can choke and paralyse people with passivity, often for many years before they will reach out.
To counteract this with traumatized clients, I often recommend a hands on healing session, right out of the gate, before we start delving deeply into the psychology of what is happening. This will feel scary and takes a huge leap of faith. In my experience, we have to make this at some stage, before sustainable change can occur.
The rewards of beginning in this way are multi faceted. It builds trust and offers some physical and mental relief and this allows things to begin releasing in order to see them more clearly and allow what needs to, to shake lose. It creates enough space with which to begin to address some of what lies beneath.
One thing that many people report who do eventually embark on a process of healing is that in their lives, they typically feel like they don’t fit in and are constantly ‘wrong’, just for being themselves. This is reflective of a shame based physiology. They may also, paradoxically react strongly against anything and anyone who can offer a solution, which is a way of staying safe, until circumstances force us to address what is.
Change and healing can seem so disruptive, because, when it comes time to embark on healing ourselves, we are in unchartered territory and we are inevitably stepping away from the ‘life script’ we planned, into something we know nothing about.
We have no idea if the next expert, modality or next thing we try will help us or make us feel more vulnerable or fragile and this is scary when we are investing time and resources into something.
If we are strong willed, we may have tried to override all our fears and limitations by going strongly in the face of them “Feel the fear and do it anyway” is a mantra that can deeply harm those with trauma, setting them up for even more trauma.
You may not have the good judgment to know when to do this or the support/know how to pick up the pieces if it doesn’t go well. Typically, people with trauma ignore red flags left, right and centre, gravitating towards the abuse and people who have a similar energy to their original abusers. To this effect, they don’t trust their own judgment and become suspicious of others, when in actual fact the root of the issue lies within.
When someone we loved hurt us deeply, the idea of forgiveness can seem incomprehensible. As many healers bang on about ‘loving everyone’ all the time, we may hate the idea of ‘healing’ and feel like heading for the hills at the very mention of it.
In my estimation a good healer knows when clients need to be in their pain body and when they are ready to leave it and move on. Real forgiveness is the natural effect of healing ones self and focusing outside the self, should never dictate healing.
You may have been to a ‘spiritual’ class or group and felt really amazing, but not know how to bring that feeling into your emotional life to create, ease, peace, harmony and empowerment in dealing with your psychological ‘stuff’ and other people. Whilst trauma can be the reason we go down a spiritual path, being spiritual doesn’t remove the need to do our inner emotional/psychological work.
Similarly, many people I see have had “hands on” the body healing to ‘remove’ emotional issues. This may have felt amazing at the time and yet the minute they went back life, they continued cycling through the same patterns. Healing is a good thing, but only if used consciously to catch the body up with the mental work you are doing. Not as a substitute for it.
Therapy often confounds people as well. Therapy can be very limited in terms of removing trauma, because just talking doesn’t help you address the energetic aspect of what you’ve been through, that is stored in your body.
Until you free the body, the mind and feelings will stay largely stuck. Many therapists don’t even know this and when therapy also proves a dead end, this can lead many to just assume they are too messed up to help themselves and they resume suffering and struggling through life, thinking they are beyond help.
This confusion is totally normal and I’ve been through all of it.
There is a careful balance required to moving forwards. Understanding this, when to use which approach and being able to work with whatever aspect is needed to create the change that you require, is one of my unique abilities as a coach, intuitive counsellor, body worker and trauma removal specialist.
Here what I’ve discovered that helped me and many clients with the above things:
- To get to a more ‘comfortable’ place, you may often have to be temporarily uncomfortable.
To release pain, you have to allow the pain to come up and teach you what you need to know about it and you. Sometimes the body is mildly or very uncomfortable during this process.
- Healing is an individual journey, there is no road map and so you won’t know ‘what next’ until you’ve been doing it for an awfully long time. After which time, you often instinctively know and sometimes you still won’t.
Having said that, the only constant about the human experience is change, so in the process of healing you, you will become well equipped to adapt and succeed in the world.
- Forgiveness isn’t relevant when starting out. It may become a choice we want to make later on, once we are more empowered and freer to choose from a soul perspective.
Anxiety and depression can eventually resolve and heal once you clear the trauma pathways associated with them and reframe your ways of dealing with life that go beyond the lens you have looked through previously.
Most people don’t realize this and see a depression ‘diagnosis’ as a chemical imbalance or a permanent condition and a ‘life sentence’.
It doesn’t have to be. If you create a lifestyle that maintains the conditions for good brain health, release your old trauma and learn new, effective skills and tools for clearing unhelpful beliefs and managing energy and emotion effectively, you can get completely free.
I see it on a daily basis and the most effective of these options is the trauma removal. For many years I fulfilled the first two conditions, but they couldn’t benefit me until I removed the trauma.
- You are not fatally flawed and not broken, although, we certainly can feel that way. You are stronger and more resilient than you know. You will uncover more of this side of yourself the further you progress. You will become confident and can trust yourself and life again.
- Resistance is the ego protecting you. Don’t fight it, acknowledge it instead. It will diminish the more empowered you become.
- Confusion is the normal effect of buried trauma. For many years I thought I had ADD as the result of mine. I didn’t and now I am largely trauma free and mostly think very clearly.
- CFS, fibromyalgia and other inflammatory and other immune conditions are almost always the result of buried trauma. Heal and they can as well, (as long as you are willing to step into that possibility).
Your life can become better than you have ever imagined, it’s just that no one tells you this. I am writing this post from largely living my dream life (and continuing to grow and improve all the time).
I am largely trauma free, I have friends who have my back and love me and I them. I am supported, self-confident, empowered, I trust myself and life. I am abundant and my business and reputation are doing very well. I am creative, inspired, clear, energetic and happy and you can be too.
- You will always have throwback moments, sneaky thoughts that may arise and the ability to re-activate old pathways if you aren’t doing good self-care and you allow negative conditions to prevail.
This is natural and normal. It isn’t the end of the world, you haven’t lost all the gains you have made and when you know better you will do better.
Eventually you will learn to thrive under any external conditions. This takes time, courage, commitment and massive self-belief and is something we can all accomplish. We have to believe it is possible and keep going through all the dead ends, false hopes, glimmers, breakthroughs, pain and discomfort and keep learning no matter what.
A mindset of continual learning, openness to do/be whatever it takes to get free and to persevere is what’s required. Sometimes we will have amazing relief, insights, awareness and good feels, other times we will be filled with resistance and appear to plateau for way longer than we would like.
Impatience is common as we heal. So, is needing to learn that it takes as long as it takes and (annoyingly) your soul doesn’t have a point of view about human constructs of time. Once we learn to allow and roll with where the journey is taking us, to seek out inspiration and upliftment and trust what feels good, we are well on the way.
What can save us so much time, dead ends and wasted energy is working with someone who has our back, can see past our fears/excuses and can compassionately guide us to the other side.
I am currently opening two mentoring places to new clients on my three month private one on one mentorship program. If you would like one of these spaces contact me here