This blog is written by me but is based on principles taught in Access Consciousness. A modality which I teach and use in private sessions.

I love the Access views on healthy relating as they are so contributive and generative and yet practical. They allow for growth and creativity and yet don’t have a basis in co-dependence or unhealthy relating the way many spiritual models do.

Did you know that ‘relationship’ refers to the distance between two objects? How interesting that term is defined by proximity rather than by quality.

Here are the five Aspects of Healthy Relating.


Always honor the other person (whilst also honouring you of course). To honor means to hold in high regard, which I interpret as follows:

You speak to your partner as the highest version of themselves. What this means is that we don’t hold in place past grievances or resentments, we just speak straight to their soul and act as if they are always going to come from the place of highest integrity, as we must do with them.

You have no agenda for them, other than their highest good and well-being whatever that looks like. You place what’s good for them ahead of what you may want from them every time.

It’s no one else’s job to provide us with anything other than to choose to be in relationship with us from day to day if they wish and to choose to create with us and to be truly present with us in doing so. If their highest good were to leave us, we should be happy for them on their journey ahead of sad for ourselves. That is honouring rather than obligation.

2. Allowance

Know that the other person will always be operating from what’s right for them and be in allowance of their choices, even if you don’t approve or agree.

Sometimes people need to make poor choices to grow and although we can give our opinion if asked, it doesn’t mean that they will choose for them based on what we think they should do.  

Being in allowance means you don’t judge the other person and make them wrong and you don’t allow yourself to get caught up in reacting to them.

In other words, their choices have nothing to do with you. We are great at personalizing things, in reality though little of what others choose is about us at all.

By practicing non-judgment your good feelings towards them can flow and you can receive the other person and they you in order to enjoy one another, to have fun and create together.  

3. Appreciation

“Appreciation is adoring someone in all their awesomeness without expectation” – Rose Aitken

For most people being appreciative may be as close to experiencing unconditional love as they will get.

For almost everyone their definition of love involves conditions such as “I love you as long as you don’t embarrass me”, “I love you as long as you fulfil the conditions of being my arm candy”, “I love you as long as you keep me company and make me feel good about myself”.

Gratitude is a lower vibration than appreciation and implies relief. “I’m so glad you helped me with this”, “Thank you getting my car going today”, “I’m grateful you did this for me”.

Appreciation acknowledges what is amazing about the other person without attachment and therefore is a practical way of loving.

4. Vulnerability

When we have barriers up which most of us do much of the time, we aren’t being truly vulnerable. Other people sense when we are comfortable in our own skin, are really present with them and being totally ourselves.

This is an awesome gift as we give them permission to do the same and we show them we trust them (and trust ourselves) in the process.

To be vulnerable takes courage, lack of attachment to outcome and some wisdom about the situation. It is a risk, but applied well results in enormous gain and the ability to be fully engaged with ourselves, with others and all of life.

5. Kindness

To me this is a given and is obvious. Just be kind. We have a choice how we behave and interact with others and anything goes as long as it’s kind.

It pays to be aware of what others can handle or deal with and if you can understand that, you will do well in terms of delivering what is kind for them.

Being kind to ourselves is so important also as our relationship with ourselves is the most important one we will ever have. It encourages other people to be kind to us and value us also.

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