1.Your comfort zone is set to Chaos and disaster
You may sometimes feel temporarily happy when great things happen, but you are always much more accustomed to and comfortable with, the sensation that things are about to go horribly wrong.
If and when things go spectacularly right, you are elated briefly, then you go into fear and become uncomfortable, like you’re not a person for whom this happens. You remind yourself that your place isn’t being successful, other people’s best is better anyway, its only a matter of time before you stuff things up, or life shits on you again…
Then hey presto! Things go wrong and you feel relieved.
Essentially, you don’t trust you, you don’t trust life and your experience has shown you that with your current level of life skills and lack of emotional mastery, you will stuff things up again sooner or later.
That is a self-fulfilling prophecy that you haven’t managed to out create yet.
TIP: You have a plethora of negative beliefs based off past painful experiences that have provided you with evidence of (what you’ve decided) is your general ineptitude for winning at life. Please note: This is not a wrongness of you, it is a cognitive function that takes place when we have experienced things we didn’t know how to handle.
See a psychologist, therapist, coach or psycho-spiritual counsellor, who is holistic and can assist you to safely unravel these and the much earlier wounds underlying these expressions of fear and self-loathing.
Seek out someone you really like who ‘gets you’ and can help you replace these beliefs with what’s genuinely good about you that you are unable to connect with.
“You can’t build a new house on old foundations” Rose Aitken
2. You do control like a champion
Because you know you lack the autonomy and emotional guidance and positive experience to access your own wisdom, you do control instead.
Any time something happens to remove your sensation of control, or events go ‘wrong’, you may do some of the following: You may sulk, argue, pout, or withdraw. You may even defend, freak out, or go into victim mode and blame other people or circumstances.
When this happens, you lapse harder into control, to try to prevent another melt down and people seeing behind your efficient façade.
The result of this is that you are wired, nervous, jittery and permanently exhausted. You give your power away or snap inappropriately at the drop of a hat and if you don’t isolate yourself to recover, you tend to lose it altogether.
You know you want off this treadmill, but you don’t know why you are on it in the first place. You don’t understand why other people have ease and your life feels crappy. You are powerless to take charge and you know it. You may have extreme reactions to things and need a lot of time on your own to recover from life. You probably hide this by saying you are tired, sick or an introvert.
You just want to cry, but you don’t have time for that, because you striving to create success. It just never comes and you remain in the dark as to why.
TIP: You my beautiful friend are powerful beyond your knowing, but no one has ever shown you how to connect with this.
Not only are all these difficulties and beliefs not real or true, (they are assumed and put into play as if they are real, making them indeed seem so). They are also masking the beauty and magnificence of you, which you can’t yet feel.
Find someone who is extra-ordinary at seeing people’s potential and nurturing that and work with that person until things start to shift and change.
Learn new tools that empower you, so you can put the useless and self deffeating illusion of control away for good.
We are all just buckled in for this ride and the only control we have is over ourselves. Once we start to develop emotional mastery, life becomes a pleasure and we feel happy.
3. You blame others instead of acknowledging your own skill deficits
It hurts to acknowledge when we are wrong. It’s terrifying to contemplate that we don’t know what we’re doing. Honestly, none of us does, we are all messing our way through life, the best we know how.
It takes humility to look inwards and acknowledge perhaps our pain and struggle is the result of our own thinking. Perhaps events have happened that were difficult or traumatic. For sure you aren’t responsible, but dealing with the aftermath, is your job. It might not be fair, but that’s how life works. That’s why we have experts who can help and others who can support and listen.
Maybe our parents taught us poorly and we’ve never actually contemplated that. Perhaps we’ve made everyone who triggered us wrong and blamed them, whilst staying loyal to a dysfunctional family system.
If Mum and Dad had it wrong, what hope is there for us?? The fact is, Mum and Dad (as sacrificing and beautiful as they may be), are flawed and human and their parents were too. They did the best they could with what they knew and it may or may not have been good work. Acknowledging this (if it applies to you) isn’t unloving, it’s smart.
TIP: Part of life is being able to assess who we are, what ‘life training’ we’ve had and whether it is truly effective. Until we are truly sick of our own nonsense, we will look to blame, because it’s the only way we can justify where things are at.
If you aren’t excelling and you’re not happy, these are signs, you might need some more skills to manage life. None of us knows it all and maybe there are other perspectives, mindsets and tools and techniques out there that would benefit you.
Even people who are experts in psychology/spirituality and the body-mind connection, who continue to study and apply insights after decades of work, don’t know everything. You aren’t any different.
Asking for help isn’t a failure, it shows a desire to improve and be better. That is admirable.
4. You feel like a fraud at work or in other arenas
This is a specific sensation, which arises through having negative past experiences and not believing in ourselves enough. It seems much more common with woman and is a sign we have more inner work to do and more beliefs to shift.
I think it’s sort of a chemical manifestation of our emotional insecurities, projected outwards onto our occupation or role in society. If we have this feeling going on, the issue isn’t our professional capabilities. Instead, there are some incongruities between our professional skills and our inner landscape.
We feel this and question our competency – feeling fraudulent, instead of asking what support or skills we require to go forwards
I’ve experienced this about five years ago and for me, there was truth in it, in that despite being enormously capable, I wasn’t emotionally ready and skilled enough, to get where I am now and where I am headed in the future. This is an energetic incongruency which is unpleasant, confusing and distracting.
I think women frequently mis-understand where this is coming from, and wrongly attribute it to just needing a push or bit of extra motivation.
I’ve seen a lot of ra ra girl power posts about ignoring this emotion, saying “Wahoo!! ‘you can do it sistar”!
I don’t agree. If we are feeling this, we may be ready professionally, but personally, we are not.
This feeling is there, to keep us safe, because we know we aren’t quite ‘ready’ to be in the ball park we want to hit from.
TIP:Take a look, see where things are incongruent between your goals and your emotions. Do what is required to bridge that gap.
Book a session with someone you admire. Speak to your coach, do some journaling, meditate, go for a run. Ask questions.
Truth, what is this sensation?
Can this be changed?
Can I change it?
How do I change it?
What else is truly possible for me that I’ve never perceived or thought possible? How do I connect authentically with that?