People donβt really understand self esteem in my opinion and in our culture, it’s little wonder.
Often I hear βI have low self-esteemβ or βI lack confidenceβ
There are two reasons for this.
Those are toxic shame and trauma.
There is never any other reason for true low self-esteem.
Letβs say you donβt like how you look.
If you were brought up in a healthy family with good emotional support and positive self-regard, it wouldnβt matter what you looked like, nothing would make you feel bad about your looks.
We may have insecurities and everyone will to some extent, however these donβt plague us unless weβve had a significant separation from our key caregivers in childhood leading to a separation from ourselves and therefore vulnerability to further trauma, bullying and low self-esteem.
Shame is when we feel wrong for breathing basically and this is the result of childhood abuse or emotional neglect. Shame is like seeing the world through a black filter which is opaque but always makes everything feel shitty and miserable. A common symptom of shame is always feeling to blame when someone is upset, or something goes wrong. People pleasing is another sign. The filter of shame becomes a system through which we process all our other emotions.
Underlying all depression and anxiety is usually shame and small t trauma.
Again, most people donβt realize this
They think βI had a good childhoodβ or βI got 3 square meals a day and no one ever laid a hand on meβ or βus kids had it okay, Mum and Dad loved usβ.
You may have been loved, but unless you grew up in an emotionally articulate and energetically healthy family system, chances are your childhood is influencing your feelings about yourself now in ways you simply may not understand.
Our bodies donβt lie and if you are wrestling with some of these issues, itβs not because there is anything wrong with you and I promise you, it can change. And I donβt mean put a band aid on it and call it good. There is no false positivity here. I mean by doing steady, consistent work on yourself over time, with good support and the right tools, you can feel differently on the inside.
We have neuroplasticity for a reason, and we are always prompted to seek help/support at the perfect time for us.
So, what are some basics for changing self esteem in the New Year?
Remove stress and tolerations
What are those things that stress you out and drive you up the wall day in and day out, or weekly, that you are ignoring, pushing down and putting up with?
Maybe itβs certain people who drain the life out of you, an unhappy marriage, something in your physical surroundings that is annoying, or constant prompts from your soul that you are suppressing and ignoring because they arenβt convenient. (Perhaps listening to them doesnβt fit your plan for yourself). I get it, Iβve been thereβ¦
Identifying and removing tolerations is something which I support people to do for themselves. Itβs horrible living a gap between how you want to be and whatβs going on and this inauthentic existence is draining and stressful. I can help show you what to do.
(And just to be clear in the above example (of an unhappy marriage), I don’t mean leaving the relationship necessarily, I mean doing the work on yourself to find out what you really want, healing your own internal issues such as unresolved depression, anxiety or childhood issues that may be impacting on things and finding a clear way forwards that feels aligned and true for you!)
Removing clutter
Itβs impossible to be true to yourself and your own energetic frequency when we are hemmed in by βstuffβ. How can you think clearly or function effectively when your physical environment or even your internal one is chaotic?
Maybe you have compulsive thoughts, negative thinking or just never feel relaxed in your own body, or maybe you live in a home where there is βstuffβ around you from your entire lifetime which no longer serves. Itβs pretty hard to gain traction going forwards in a new or even same but better direction, when we are literally bogged down.
We are energetic beings and clutter is a huge restraint and block on us reaching our highest possibilities and self-expression. Being surrounded by beauty, flow and a pleasant environment is essential to creating harmony and success.
Hold ourselves in high regard
Do you keep choosing relationships that donβt serve you? Are you never properly well? Do you just dislike yourself inside, no matter what you achieve? Does your current life feel unfulfilling?
Do you like being with yourself, or are you never present and always avoiding this? Are you constantly scrolling social media, shopping, binging on Netflix, exercise or even food to change that discomfort inside? Are you addicted to alcohol, or maybe you just canβt really feel happy, even when you know you should?
Itβs tough to acknowledge any of these things, however, this is always the first step and it is possible to change them completely. With new tools and perspectives and expert facilitation, it becomes possible to release your baggage, adapt your habits, behaviors and outlook, recreate your sense of self and show up in the ways you desire, instead of creating your life accidently, or feeling like youβre never connected to spirit or your purpose.
Maybe you dismiss what you are good at, as βanyone can do thisβ, or maybe you canβt take a compliment. Perhaps you are really upset and jealous when others around you are winning. This doesnβt make you wrong, it makes you human and it means you are lacking certain skills and perspectives that can help you be the one to thrive and get the most from your life.
Cultivating good self-care
When I began my journey into liking me, I was in the thick of it, so I tried to come at my healing from as many angles as possible, as I sensed I needed to. I was ill with CFS, I was highly anxious and relationship avoidant, I had buried trauma and shame aplenty and I was often alone as it was all I knew how to do, to create safety. However, I longed to be with amazing people who would value me and with whom I could share fun and wonderful experiences.
I was very masculine with myself and quite survival based. I couldnβt be gentle, soft or kind with my body or myself in my thoughts, it was ruthless self-discipline or nothing. I was lacking much in the way of comfort and would have frequent nightmares, I attracted bullies, was always broke and noticed I couldnβt receive much of anything, because my self-worth was awful.
In other words, I really had my work cut out for me!
I began slowly with gradually improving the living environment I was in, making it more pleasant and creating better systems and ways of doing things to free up my energy and I began seeking out as much healing as I could. By this, I mean going to classes, workshops and private sessions, no matter what it took to find the money or get myself there. No matter how tough it was, I never gave up, I was always reading and studying on Youtube how to be and do better, I was trying to find my answers as to what I was missing.
Eventually all that work would pay off and ultimately (I never saw this coming) I would end up being streets ahead of many people in terms of self-awareness and insight. I spent 2-3 hours every evening listening to the best and brightest minds on the planet. Once I figured out my own trauma and found satisfactory ways to release it, I was able to soar in some ways quickly, but it also took time to integrate. Because I worked in a multi-faceted way, the improvements, (once I reached a certain tipping point), began to dovetail together to benefit me, but none of this took affect until I released my shame and trauma.
Good self-care isnβt bubble baths and facials as the marketers would have you believe. Thatβs a load of horse shit. Good self-care is providing for yourself the environment, creating the support and making the choices you need to have the life you really want. Itβs being safe, having a healthy, energized body, being connected to your soul purpose, to others, to your spirit and to the planet.
Itβs understanding your own suffering and being able to catalyze that into something valuable and cultivating habits that allow you to function as you wish and become who you want to be in the world.
Itβs sensing your own value and uniqueness, owning it and being comfortable in your own skin. Itβs about developing self-awareness, self-mastery and the resilience to handle whatever life throws your way. It’s also about self kindness and compassion, qualities which can be difficult to connect with in the beginning, which I assist my clients to develop.
The popular myth of Self-Loving
βIf youβre in the middle of hell, keep goingβ
Winston Churchill
This is a bit of a fraught subject and is often mis represented and mis understood by people who havenβt had significant challenges, who often loudly advise those who have, to do more of this.
Traumatized people canβt self-love, until they have healed their trauma/shame. What they can do is work on themselves, learn self-respect and self-honoring and take good physical care of their bodies while they heal and learn to trust themselves (and others) again. Itβs that simple and it can be a slow, bit by bit process.
While we are in low frequencies, we arenβt a vessel for love to operate, we are survival based, so please stop telling people who canβt love themselves to do so! If youβre stuck in this conundrum, just keep going. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and trusting, knowing that you can create self-love eventually and your inner guidance system is there for you.
If I can accomplish this, anyone can and so can you. If you’d like my help in 2022 to change your life, click here.
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