I was speaking to a friend/client the other day….
This friend is highly ambitious.
He is also curious about life and it’s meaning
When he gets answers, he doesn’t know how to integrate them into a different reality for himself. He is a little lost.
What he really needs to work on he has been hiding, while telling himself a slightly different story. We all do this to some degree, until we are really ready for the big shifts
He is getting close and has moments of insight, awareness and honesty
He said to me:
“I feel like I’m always guarded and there is a different possibility for me, but I just don’t know how to access it, or what to do”.
He is right, he is guarded and that guardedness creates a separation from him and other people that makes him lonely, but also leaves him feeling superficially aloof and superior from others.
He masks his fear as “I’m fatally cool and just a black hat thinker”, but inside he is miserable.
That isn’t working for him anymore. He wants to change and the prospect of being vulnerable and real with himself and others terrifies him.
He said to me: “That’s just the way I am, I don’t know how to be different”
This is an excuse and justification.
He also added “I feel we’re wired that way”, “I can’t help it”, “I just view everything negatively”.
This is some of what I explained to him at the time…
1. Dwelling in the negative isn’t an ‘insurance policy’ against pain, it’s a guarantee of getting the outcome you most fear or inconsistent and unwanted outcomes at best
Ever heard someone say “I knew that was going to happen”. That’s because they did and because they created it happening with their intention and focus.
It’s a common mis-perception that focusing on the negative will help you avoid disappointment and pain. What it actually does is bring you endless things to be negative and in pain about….
I know this first hand. If you met me 10 years ago, I was the most negative, person you could meet. Life could never disappoint me with a dark outcome that I hadn’t already anticipated, explored, analysed and basically made real for myself. That way I had a guaranteed sob story, was never accountable
Life is neutral, if it hears you focusing on all the possible negative outcomes it doesn’t go:
“We know Rose is a bit fearful, but she is basically a good person, so she might dwell in the negative, but we’ll give her a good outcome”.
What life does is this:
“Rose has a lot of intensity around negative things and is a good match for them (energetically), let’s give her some more…”
We are designed to be blissful, happy beings. Anytime we have a prolonged or radical departure from this state, something is wrong and we know this, because it feels off, awful, lonely, miserable, isolating or unhappy.
My friend is very accurate in describing how he feels.
2. Saying that something is just the way it is, is always bullshit
Everything in this reality is malleable
E V E R Y T H I N G
Some people believe that their thinking, potential and capacities are fixed.
It may feel like your internal reality (thoughts feelings and emotions) are bigger than you and you’re just a victim to negative, painful thoughts and feelings that you can’t control.
This is never, EVER true.
If you are starting to examine this concept and what goes on in your brain and body, you are starting to wake up and consider your true nature and what could be possible for you beyond what you already know. This is a very powerful place to be at and good on you for searching for answers.
To say that we can’t control “the way things are” is to defer responsibility as the creator of your own life experience.
We are taught what and how to think when we are small (usually by well-meaning adults), but once we are grown up, we can change that software if we don’t like it.
This is good news and tremendously exciting.
3. Neuroplasticity is real (You can change your thoughts, feelings and emotions)
You can change your internal software at any time, by changing your own thinking and the beliefs underlying your thinking. We have the capacity to develop new neural pathways at any time in our lives.
We all have neuroplasticity.
My friend is a right in that we are designed to scan our environment for threats. That is what keeps us safe and alive.
However, once we know that, we can allow for it by not making ourselves wrong for being that way. Then it’s on us to create our own bio chemistry, beliefs, attitudes, outlooks and ideas with the thought we keep thinking, we can create our internal reality to be safe, happy, uplifting and kind to ourselves and others.
4. Your thoughts create your feelings and your beliefs create your thoughts
Where do you start to create internal change?
A negative feeling is the quickest way to spot a negative thought.
Work backwards and start to examine what the thought was immediately preceding a negative feeling.
Once you have the thought, explore what is beneath that to get to the underlying belief.
Change the belief. (This may require guidance or support from someone to release old traumatic events).
Your subsequent thoughts and feelings will change.
Now this is majorly simplified for the purpose of this piece, but that’s essentially the process. I will write more about this in another blog.
5. All you ever need to stay safe is awareness
The more negative oriented your thoughts feelings and emotions towards your life and it’s various outcomes, the less you space you have to focus on your inner being, your intuition, your knowing and your awareness.
Buying into a façade depletes us and keeps us vulnerable
My friend made a valid point. He said
“Awareness doesn’t feel good”.
Being aware of what is true can be extraordinarily uncomfortable.
It takes courage to connect to your knowing and use it to your advantage in the world. This is the stuff warriors are made of.
The quality of your life isn’t about your circumstances, it’s about your level of courage.
6. Changing your internal dialogue (or anything) takes effort, consistency and a desire to be different.
A lot of people react with horror when they discover that in order to change their shitty thoughts, feelings and emotions, they have to become aware of their own thinking and then make an effort to intervene in this.
That’s just how life works and if you want a different environment between your ears and in your body, you’ll do the work. It’s a choice we all have.
Whilst we are mostly all born blissful and with a clean slate, often life and our conditioning ensures we end up with a negative filter of all events over time…
Everyone who has been through that and is now happy and positive has done the internal work of changing their thinking and beliefs.
Being conscious and doing away with our negative story isn’t for everyone, but for those who choose it, the rewards are innumerable and immeasurable. It will change the entire trajectory of the rest of your life.
This is something you can do. Once you get over the fear of starting, it actually begins feeling good. The journey of developing Emotional and Energetic Self Mastery (which is what I teach to my clients) can feel addictive, uplifting and wonderful as you reconnect with who you really are. This time it is from a place of insight and wisdom.