If you want to heal from an upset or trauma involving another person you must forgive them according to many cultural and religious beliefs.
This is a no win proposition for the victim, allocating them a task which is often incomprehensible in light of severe pain and trauma. This makes them feel further wrong, harming their odds of healing
Now don’t misunderstand me, I am not suggesting un-forgiveness or vengeful thinking, because holding unhealed and unexpressed resentment and pain will destroy us from the inside out and that is equally unhelpful.
What I am suggesting is healing. Proper, thorough soul level, physical and emotional healing. Then we develop deep, abiding compassion for others and ourselves and forgiveness becomes a choice and eventually a natural by-product of doing our inner work.
Why focusing on forgiveness instead of healing messes us up:
You will continue to make similar choices because you never understood why you made any that contributed to the unwanted outcome in the first place
You become locked into the problem, hurt or issue without ever moving forward. I know people who were told to heal they had to forgive first and remained stuck for years as a result.
You absolutely irrevocably cannot forgive someone from a position of hatred and deep wounding. It’s absolutely illogical and irreconcilable and is psychologically and vibrationally impossible.
You will make yourself wrong for not being able to forgive and therefore hinder your ability to heal.
Forgiveness is absolutely not a requirement of healing but healing is a requirement for forgiveness to take place.
All choices are for our highest growth and evolution especially the most painful ones. If you focus on being a victim and having to forgive something which your soul chose you, are dis-empowering your growth and dis-acknowledging that, which can ultimately benefit you very much.
So how do you enact healing when you’ve been badly hurt and what’s required to become forgiving?
1.Take responsibility for your own unawareness
This isn’t to blame as there is never any fault involved, it is to empower you to a different possibility. If there are things you don’t know about life, here is your opportunity to become wise and take a steep learning curve to a different way of being in the world.
For example; I had a past relationship where I was narcissistically abused. My recovery involved learning about narcissism, why are empaths attracted to narcissists, what creates a narcissist and what it is in me and my upbringing that left me pre-disposed to engaging romantically with this kind of individual.
I then extrapolated that information outwards to see where I was unaware of those traits in others and the different permutations and presentations that narcissism can have. I’ve learned about my own family of origin, where I was susceptible to missing red flags and how to better identify them and set appropriate boundaries.
2. Take care of your physiology as part of healing
Our bodies house all the pain that we go through and everything we experience that is traumatic is stored in our muscle memory, cellular memory, neural pathways and energy field. Giving relief to the body is such an important but little understood area of healing and letting go.
When we have biochemistry firing off with things like PTSD, the body needs help to reset itself. Doing the emotional and spiritual development is part of the puzzle and receiving whatever type of healing works for your body is another important part. Access bars in particular are proven to be good for changing trauma.
3. Learn from your choices and explore the purpose behind the pain
Some lessons seem extremely harsh which is always the case when we have soul contracts and soul challenges going on.
For most things, it is rarely out of the blue and normally life gives us a number of gentle opportunities to change and warnings which seem to intensify over time if we ignore them.
Unless we’ve done a lot of inner work, we rarely progress while we are comfortable and that is one of the reasons we choose soul challenges.
There is a knack to learning to understand the value in our difficulties retrospectively. Once we do nothing seems unfair, too much or random the way it used to.
This doesn’t mean the pain is any less, it means we can progress through it with more ease and with the understanding we need to get the learning we require.
Taking a big picture view here can be valuable, whereas psychology offers insights into specific behaviours, spirituality empowers on a soul level bringing a different level of knowing to the table, which ultimately frees us.
4. Learn the tools which would have empowered you to handle that situation in the first place
For me this involved learning about why we are here and why we have difficulty as well as understanding all aspects of human behaviour and how to deal with any eventuality. This has been quite a big undertaking and of course is still in progress.
I am not suggesting you need anything like that level of knowledge, however, knowledge applied well is empowerment and once we feel empowered, we feel safe and when we feel safe, we can thrive.
When we feel safe and can thrive, we get happy and forgiveness has usually spontaneously taken place by this point.
5. Get Grateful
It is possible to do enough work that we are grateful for our most painful experiences and for the people that we created them with.
I also believe it is possible to do several life times of healing and ascension in one life time. We step up and evolve when we are ready to do so and sometimes that path can be quite dramatic. Often the people with the biggest contribution to make are given the toughest path as preparation.
Souls don’t have a point of view about suffering, pain, trauma and difficulty. It’s only our conditioned human selves that long for an easy life, quick success, loads of fun, money, fame, beauty and whatever else we are seeking.
We cannot control what shows up in our life. It isn’t the challenge, but how we respond to it and our ability to let go and thrive that determines who we become and what we accomplish.