My journey began in a not so emotionally easy place.

Although I’ve now healed much, integrated tonnes of change and assimilated life times of experience into a few decades of living, surviving my younger years was tough. To get to now, I’ve developed resilience and a broad and deep knowledge and level of awareness, that is of benefit to those I serve.

Growing up in a dysfunctional household, I lacked emotional support and adult role models. This saw me lacking confidence and a target for bullies at school. These scenarios sewed the seeds for a trauma based physiology that would lead to a multiplicity of anxiety disorders.

Aged 11, I needed a ‘break’ from all that and I developed glandular fever, that would later on morph into CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome). I had a sense of shame, deep emotional wounds and a poor model of the world, that would lead me towards a series of toxic and codependent young adult relationships. (It is interesting to note that immune disorders such as CFS are always the result of changes in the immune system due to a disordered nervous system because of psycho-spiritual wounding).

Through my 20s and 30s, I had an overwhelming sense of separation, disconnection, dis-empowerment and stuck-ness. Along with my physical health issues and anxiety, I was often deeply depressed and frustrated. I had a plethora of anxiety disorders, suffering from generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety, panic disorder and eventually after a particularly bad relationship, I would experience PTSD.

Nonetheless, somehow, I continued to learn, try different jobs, attend courses and to attempt to succeed, against the odds.

To cope and distract myself, I created eating disorders and experimented with self medication. I tried alcohol, pain killers and other substances. What I discovered was it was possible to feel relaxed and free from anxiety, physical and emotional pain. Instead of destroy me, these experiences motivated me. I knew these states could be and needed to be created naturally.

I would put myself in situations I didn’t have the skills to handle, often with excrutiatingly painful results. I DEFINITELY DON’T recommend the strategy of “feel the fear and do it anyway” without adequate support or skills. This can have devastating consequences (even with a strong desire to succeed). Directly resisting pain and fear, there for legitimate reasons, isn’t a wise use of courage.

Existing for the rest of my life sick, miserable, depressed and anxious, was unthinkable. I couldn’t handle the idea of living a small life, fearful and stuck, dying one day at a time, with my magic still in me. Instead, I believed I could get past what had happened to me, learn to like myself and become fulfilled and happy. I just didn’t know how.

Since my early teens, I’ve read around psychology, philosphy and spirituality. I witnessed much suffering around me, both in terms of people ignorant to and unwilling to change and those wanting to, for whom the traditional system could offer little help for healing trauma. Those people many times would go on to live lives of quiet desperation, assuming there was ‘just something wrong with them”.

For me, this was an unthinkable outcome. However, I would feel deep despair and be close to suicide, many times between 14 and 40. I was unable to feel at ease in my own skin and couldn’t receive from others, even when support was available. Nor could I develop my talents or accomplish anything meaningful, as I was survival based. This made me very sad, but I wasn’t giving up!!!

I tried many things to improve my health and master my own state. These included therapy, counselling, CBT, stress management, co-dependency treatment and assertiveness training. I tried many health modalities, such as chelation therapy, vitamin C mega dosing, hair mineral analysis, homeopathy, naturopathy, accupuncture, religion, yoga, self help books and meditation.

None of these things would unlock me from the shackles of my pain, because I was carrying trauma that they just couldn’t get past. This would ultimately prove an advantage, because I was to later come across several tool sets at the cutting edge of human development that would surpass and super-cede what any of these approaches could have offered, particularly in terms of abuse and trauma removal. Until then, I was getting one hell of an education in life!!

Whilst trying to succeed and searching for healing, I developed a thirst for understanding, that I sensed would allow me to transcend my difficulties. I wanted to unlock what would give me peace and bring the opportunities, wellness and happiness I craved. I had no clue back then or even for years afterwards, but apparently I chose a very big mission for this life time…

“To create a better planet by empowering one person at a time to find freedom and success through emotional and energetic self mastery”.

I now know, I was being broken open enough to get the learning I needed, to be worthy of that. I had to be halted enough to become self aware, heal and uncover my true calling and purpose. I couldn’t be of value as a coach and I wouldn’t have the abilities I have now for unlocking others, if I hadn’t been through everything that I have, the prolonged pain, suffering and the search for answers.

I had begun to piece together a broad and deep understanding of many aspects of life and well-being, that meant other people were coming to me for advice. My suffering led to me developing a strong sense of compassion, kindness and intuition, that would pave the way for me to hold space for others.

I acquired a degree in business and had one job I really loved – working with youth and long term unemployed, but with that completed, my governmental contract work based in Australia was decidedly unsatisfying.  In a new relationship with a US citizen, I moved there to make a fresh start. When that ran it’s course after 8 months, I returned to NZ to start again.

Despite my ‘achievements’ I still felt like hell inside and I knew that my past was driving my thoughts and behavior. Despite all the learning I had done, I was carrying my past trauma in the cells in my body. It was lodged in my muscle memory, cellular memory, neural pathways and energy field. I had to do something radically different.

It was time to find a real and compelling purpose, change my thoughts and way of coping with life. I had to re-wire my nervous system and anxiety, improve my health, gain weight and earn money in a way that meant something to me. This wasn’t a dip my toe in the water to see how it felt situation. I had to be “all in”. I knew the alternative was death and I was being forced to choose a new way forwards.

Despite my determined nature, I know what it’s like to experience massive resistance and fear.  I didn’t know who I’d become, how to get there or what the end results would be.  That is terrifying, even when you know that the alternative is no alternative.

Since I was changing everything, I took a leap of faith and enrolled in life coaching training. Shortly after, discovered a body of work and system of pragmatic tools known as Access Consciousness.

I knew instantly, after years of looking, I’d found the thing that would free me. Access not only taught me about changing energy (the very currency of life), it offered many trauma removal body processes and pragmatic tools for living a modern life, based in ancient wisdom.

I was buoyant that I’d found the tools to facilitate finding me again and to have a shot at life with. Although, my progress was remarkably rapid in many ways, it was slow going assimilating the changes and integrating them. (the real work of personal transformation).

Sometimes it was difficult knowing where to next, as each layer peeled away to reveal more trauma, gaps in my knowledge, ingrained crap and coping mechanisms that didn’t serve me.I was learning how to undo all of my old programming, whilst simultaneously creating life the way I wanted it to be.

In some ways we don’t know how to be different. We have to do our best to undo our hurts and trust our efforts are leading us to where we want to be. Trauma recovery is slow, especially when overlaid with poor health, doubts, fears, setbacks and struggles.

Recovery was all about doing the daily work of inner change. Releasing emotions and beliefs, holding myself accountable, taking risks, managing expansion and reinforcing shifts and new habits. I was working with all the tools at my disposal, until they became part of me. There were also highs, breakthroughs, excitements, glimmers of better times ahead, progress, opportunities and moments of joy.

I was also learning to run my business and undertaking lots of training. Although early days, people were seeking out my services and I was better able to help them than myself to begin with. I desired to become an extraordinary coach and facilitator because the people that I paid for private sessions, who helped me get free, were incredible and the world needs more of them.

I knew if I kept going and did the work, no matter how hard it seemed, I would eventually be liberated from the legacy of my early years. I believed my health and anxiety would heal, even though I didn’t know when or what that would be like. It is a perversely strange yet oddly rewarding experience adapting to being free of our problems! My ambitious self was still there and I desired to become successful, confident, dynamic, supported, happy, energized and abundant.