My journey began in a not so emotionally easy place.
Although I’ve now healed much, integrated tonnes of change and assimilated life times of experience into a few decades of living, surviving my younger years was tough. To get to now, I’ve developed resilience and a broad and deep knowledge and level of awareness, that is of benefit to those I serve.
Growing up in a dysfunctional household, I lacked emotional support and adult role models. This saw me lacking confidence and a target for bullies at school. These scenarios sewed the seeds for a trauma based physiology that would lead to a multiplicity of anxiety disorders.
Aged 11, I needed a ‘break’ from all that and I developed glandular fever, that would later on morph into CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome). I had a sense of shame, deep emotional wounds and a poor model of the world, that would lead me towards a series of toxic and codependent young adult relationships. (It is interesting to note that immune disorders such as CFS are always the result of changes in the immune system due to a disordered nervous system because of psycho-spiritual wounding).
Through my 20s and 30s, I had an overwhelming sense of separation, disconnection, dis-empowerment and stuck-ness. Along with my physical health issues and anxiety, I was often deeply depressed and frustrated. I had a plethora of anxiety disorders, suffering from generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety, panic disorder and eventually after a particularly bad relationship, I would experience PTSD.
Nonetheless, somehow, I continued to learn, try different jobs, attend courses and to attempt to succeed, against the odds.
To cope and distract myself, I created eating disorders and experimented with self medication. I tried alcohol, pain killers and other substances. What I discovered was it was possible to feel relaxed and free from anxiety, physical and emotional pain. Instead of destroy me, these experiences motivated me. I knew these states could be and needed to be created naturally.
I would put myself in situations I didn’t have the skills to handle, often with excrutiatingly painful results. I DEFINITELY DON’T recommend the strategy of “feel the fear and do it anyway” without adequate support or skills. This can have devastating consequences (even with a strong desire to succeed). Directly resisting pain and fear, there for legitimate reasons, isn’t a wise use of courage.
Existing for the rest of my life sick, miserable, depressed and anxious, was unthinkable. I couldn’t handle the idea of living a small life, fearful and stuck, dying one day at a time, with my magic still in me. Instead, I believed I could get past what had happened to me, learn to like myself and become fulfilled and happy. I just didn’t know how.