THREE WAYS TO NAVIGATE CHANGE FROM A PSYCHO-SPIRITUAL PERSPECTIVE

Rapid and sustainable personal change and spiritual development is very possible these days.

With cutting edge tools and new information available, and upgrades in the collective consciousness, the speed of the vibration here on earth is rapidly increasing. Our options for who/how we want to become and for managing that change process are also upgrading. 

Many of us who came here to choose transformation and enlightment, or to be a light worker (escorting in those changes), are now finding that is unfolding, almost seemingly, despite ourselves.  

It can seem as if we are being almost forced into stepping up and choosing change. As a friend joked this afternoon, it’s as though we have been ‘hijacked’ by the Universe.

The truth is light worker or not, none of us ever feels ready for change when it ‘happens’ although we may become competent at recognizing the signs and allowing.

On the surface of it, we are experiencing inner pain as a result of external events. What is really happening is our purpose is emerging and everything as we’ve known it before is breaking down.

This change may be accompanied by emotional crisis and it requires addressing in a real, urgent and insistent fashion.  

“The bit before the breakthrough, feels like a breakdown” – Dr Dain Heer”

Whilst this is presenting as a mental health crisis collectively, (and it is) there is also a bigger picture at play. A new world order is gradually taking effect, and it’s emergence requires a sustainable physical and emotional landscape.

Old heavy, entrained and toxic ways of the past, must go, so that a new, interconnected, loving, responsible, futuristic society, can emerge.

Set against this chaotic collective unfolding, the personal change journey is bittersweet, extraordinary, humbling, intense and incredible undertaking.

The Universe is incredibly gentle and kind with re-directing us on our pathway, until we resist and even once we do. However, if we insist on staying stuck, I’ve noticed that the prompts and ‘opportunities’ to shift timelines, become increasingly relentless, uncomfortable and intense.

Ultimately, everything around us breaks apart and like a shipwreck survivor on a life raft, we reach out for help.

Once we embrace the way forwards, we tend to feel a sense of relief, or knowing. We may start to see the bigger picture and acknowledge it. The sense of purpose that envelops us along the way and Universal prompts, gives us a certainty that helps buffer us, when the pain comes and we experience the fire of rebirth.

Many are dealing with traumas, old emotional patterns coming up to release and people falling out of our lives who are no longer a match. As vibrational upgrades happen, it can seem as if our inner world is shifting on it’s axis.

There may be external issues requiring our attention, but these are of secondary importance unless except as tools to hone our observation of self and our learning experiences.

We are being prompted to acquire a level of emotional mastery to help us with this unraveling. Many are seeking answers in the spiritual realm to guide us and assist with understanding our individual and collective purpose at this time.

Here are some themes that are coming up in the change process and how you can negotiate them:

1. YOU WILL EXPERIENCE YOUR OWN RESISTANCE

Resistance is a peculiar beast. It’s like a protection mechanism when we are very uncomfortable with the changes we are making and with the amount that the new us showing up and putting ourselves out there.

As we get freer, we inevitably take risks, more responsibility and accountability. We indulge less in avoidance behaviors, addictions, or perhaps our health is improved, our income grows. We don’t rely on the same excuses, or not as much.

Resistance is natural and it is our ego (or our reptilian brain) keeping us safe from the discomforting effects of change. It’s important when in it’s grip, that we reach out, maintain good self care, habits and continue forwards. We will have throw back moments, hours and days, but they will reduce.

Resistance is a sign that things are working. However, consistency is key, as is allowance for mistakes. There is no right nor wrong. It is a journey and everything is about choice. It takes courage and some mettle to maintain our resolve and keep course correcting, where necessary.

TIP: In the face of strong resistance, stop fighting. Allow it to come up and overwhelm you. Feel into it, speak to it directly. Thank it for keeping you safe and stuck. Tell it you have got this now and it can go. Send it on it’s way. You will feel it loosen and diminish it’s hold on you.

If you drop the ball, get out of the wrongness of you and learn self kindness in the process. It’s a wonderful skill to cultivate.

2. NOTHING IS IRREVOCABLE – KEEP GOING FORWARDS AND ALLOW THINGS TO PROCESS

We can be messed up sad, and angry one minute and calm and light the next. We really aren’t taught this. We are taught to hold an angry space and persist in that and even to defend it, or if someone is sad, they’ll be that way for a while.

Energy is instantaneous and emotions can change quickly too. Now I’m not suggesting we are unstable and changing like the weather every 10 seconds. What I am suggesting is don’t keep throwing good energy after bad.

If you get to a place where what you’re doing isn’t working, change it. It’s okay to do so. You are allowed to learn new ways of responding and to experiment with mastering your state, whatever that looks like for you.

TIP: We will have primary emotional patterns and it can feel very disruptive when they start to dislodge and we’re not sure if we can just step out of them and into a new vibe or space. We totally can.

Be in a supportive space around others you can trust and take time on your own through this process. This will develop your resilience, self awareness and confidence.

3. WE ARE BEING GUIDED – NEW OPPORTUNIES ARE OPENING UP AND SYNCHRONICITIES KEEP APPEARING

Almost all of my clients report this. Beautiful moments, ‘chance’ meetings and opportunities, new connections and friendships and support from unexpected places are just some of these.  

There may even be spiritual experiences, that may feel natural and normal, given the level of commitment to out creating previous challenges, developing an understanding of our inner world and creating a different future.  

TIP: Once we are aligned with soul driven change and we are following our purpose, people, places and things show up to support us.

Stay open to receiving and being out there. Life has your back and you’ve got this. You are brave for embarking on this stage of the journey, and you know what you’re doing on the deepest level.  

TAKE RESPONSIBILITY, CHANGE ANYTHING AND WORK TOWARDS A LIFE YOU LOVE

1. STOP BLAMING AND BE RESPONSIBLE

“If it is to be, it’s up to me” – William H Johnsen

I get it, you may have had insane parents, you may have been abused, and traumatized. Maybe your partner is unkind and doesn’t understand you and you feel trapped.

You may have struggled, endured, been neglected and unloved. Maybe you made mistakes based off not knowing how to cope with situations and you experienced humiliation and powerlessness.  Perhaps you had a difficult upbringing and had lousy, dysfunctional beliefs passed onto you. You may have been ill, broke, sexually assulted, marginalized, put down, bullied at school or even at work.

I had one of the worst possible starts emotionally, in my life. There came a point though where I told myself “If you are such a victim and are as awesome as you think you are then, YOU DO something to show that”. “Overcome what you have been through, to create the life that YOU desire”. And over time, that’s what I did.

TIP: It doesn’t matter how you got to today, what matters is what YOU DO, from here on out. Those people who hurt you before you knew how to handle their behavior, aren’t responsible for living the rest of your life, you are. You have the legacy you have and that can be a motivating factor in creating crazy success!

2. BELIEVE IT CAN BE CHANGED!!!!

I have all my life believed in changing/healing anything I am not happy with, either within myself or a part of my life. I experienced the effects of neuroplasticity, setting goals and achieving them and changing things (mainly) through my own will power, from very young.  

Even when I was older and felt stuck and traumatized, I didn’t give up searching for my answers and my freedom.

Funnily enough, I only realized recently that other people believe that many factors in their lives are permanent. This came as a shock to me, but it makes sense now.

Many people lives of quiet desperation in which they are chronically ill, poor, or in a loveless marriage and they accept that, because they don’t understand they can change it, or it seems too hard/scary or overwhelming to change it.

Their life seems like a mould laid out for them, that they fall into and endure it to it’s logical conclusion, without ever considering if it could be different, or how it could be improved.

These people accept the beliefs they were given, not understanding that beliefs are optional and you can change them and adopt your own, more positive and uplifting beliefs.

TIP: What you think is a function of your beliefs, how you feel is a function of what you think, and what you feel and think determines your actions, your self-worth and what you can receive and the types of experiences, opportunities and people that show up in your life.

All of that is up to you and can be changed.

3. START EXAMINING WHERE YOUR BELIEFS MAKE YOUR LIFE HARD AND EASY

“Your point of view creates your reality, your reality doesn’t create your point of view” – Gary Douglas

Some of us have never actually questioned our beliefs, however, we may be aware we think negatively sometimes.

“A belief is just a thought you keep thinking” Abraham Hicks

I like to think of our beliefs as the software we are running. It’s important to understand that to change your software, you need to wipe the old software, before you put a new software program in place.

In order to deactivate old thought programs and processes, we must either destroy or atrophy old neural pathways. Destroying can be done rapidly, through something like Access Bars, or more slowly via identifying them and consciously ignoring them. Both cause the electrical circuitry around those thoughts to dissipate.

Identifying and changing troublesome beliefs is not an easy thing to do and a great Coach, Access Consciousness Facilitator or Spiritual Psychologist can help us with this. To book a Bars or spiritual psychology session with me, message me here. Apply for a free Discovery (Life Coaching) session here.

TIP: You know how some things are effortless for you and some things are hard? Imagine the thought process you have about the easy things, now start telling yourself similar thoughts about the hard things. If you can leave alone the old beliefs that it is too hard, you will be amazed at what shows up differently.  

Believe it is too hard and it is too hard. Believe it is easy and you will be amply rewarded as old things suddenly implode and make for a much easier present reality.

4. STOP LETTING ‘CIRCUMSTANCES’ DETERMINE YOUR FUTURE

I have achieved far more in my life time than someone from my emotionally chaotic background ever should have. As a result of changing the toxic beliefs I used to hold and healing much of my traumas and hurts, I know I am supposed to be here. I know that life is supposed to be an awesome experience.

TIP: Circumstances are external things only and are temporary. They are a START LINE in life, not the FINISH LINE. Circumstances don’t DEFINE you. Where you START in life, doesn’t determine where you END UP.

Everyone has set backs and challenges, it’s how we deal with those that is the critical factor in determining our future.

5. STOP REACTING TO LIFE, DETERMINE WHO YOU WANT TO BE AND BECOME THAT PERSON

“Peace of mind is not a problem free life, peace of mind is possessing the skills to handle any problem”- unknown

I still remember when I clicked to the fact that I could learn to reframe challenges as prompts to outcreate the old version of me. Although I always knew things could be changed, it took me a while to understand HOW to change them.

Something shifted in my world and I got excited as I began to understand once I could use challenges as opportunities, I would be free. Not free from problems, but free from ill effects.

TIP: The radical thing is, once you have developed this skill set, you don’t respond from fear and you trust life and trust yourself to deal with things. This inner relaxation actually allows us to be less anxious and more effective where it counts most.

The more you apply problem solving and exploring how you can grow and what each thing has taught you, you stop becoming a victim and you start developing self mastery. This is a muscle we build like any other and if I can do this, anyone can.

6. KNOW THAT PAIN IS POSITIVE & SIGNALS FAULTY BELIEFS

If something is painful, it’s not right for you and you are being prompted to change. We may be prompted to shift how we are seeing something, or the thing itself.

TIP: When we are comfortable, unless we are extraordinarily disciplined and self aware, we don’t grow.

Embrace your pain, dive into it and explore it. It is a minefield of information. This is counterintuitive and takes courage. On the other side of embracing pain, lies freedom.

WHEN YOU FEEL LIFE SUCKS – GET UNSTUCK AND CREATE POSITIVE MOMENTUM INSTEAD

I spent years in a state of self hatred, stuckness, feeling ill, vulnerable and in despair. I was depressed, anxious and felt hopeless and trapped. In the course of changing myself and getting to where I love my life, am consistently healthier and emotionally empowered, I learned a thing or two.

Here’s six ways you can begin to get free and challenge the status quo. If you are stuck right now, I trust they will resonate with you in some way and offer you some insight into what you have been choosing and how you can go forwards differently.

1. Do something Different

“You can’t fix your problems with the same thinking that created them” –  Albert Einstein

If everything you’ve done/chosen/been in your life has got you to this point and you’re not happy where you are at, if things aren’t working for you and it’s been that way (honestly) for ages, it’s time to be different.

“Continuing to do the same thing whilst expecting a different result equals insanity” – Albert Einstein.

Although we can often recognize when you are at a place where maybe you can’t go on, knowing what to do when maybe you are paralysed with disempowerment, fear and the weight of stuckness is another matter altogether. There is importantly though, a huge freedom in reaching this point and saying “Enough”!!!

It doesn’t necessarily matter what you do differently to begin with, what’s more important is that you make a change. Any direction gets you out of the stuckness and any change will yield some sort of feedback/momentum that allows you to re-evaluate and gain some kind of traction.

I know when you’re at this place, everything feels super significant and almost paralysingly difficult. Just go forwards somehow, you can course correct later on.

2. Listen to the quiet voice within

Sometimes we are super stubborn and/or super lost. It’s like nothing’s working and that seems sudden because we are in it. The fact is, things haven’t been working for ages, it’s just that you’ve had resistance to changing and life is re-directing you, hence why you can’t go on in the same way any longer.

If all else fails, if you are alone, feeling rejected, maybe sick or broke too and things seem hopeless, it might be time to ask your higher self or your soul a few questions. I did that before I left an old destructive relationship. I asked my soul “Should I stay or go”? (I wanted to stay more than anything as I loved where I was, just not the situation).

My soul immediately answered “If you stay, you’ll die”. That single moment, gave me such clarity and awareness, I knew what I had to do. I’d tried analyzing my way out of what was broken, I tried blaming (myself and him), I tried fixing, avoiding, I had asked for help. I also took an opinion poll from all my friends and family. None of it worked, because I wasn’t supposed to stay.

Some of us don’t have healthy families, some of us don’t have support systems. We live in a sick culture. We are frequently disconnected. When nothing is panning out, it’s time to go within for our own answers. They are there, waiting for you to ask the questions.

The ultimate authority in your life, should be you (not the egoic, tired, day to day, human version of you – which we all have), the infinite, light, free and wise version of you, that knows what’s in your best interests.

Sound crazy to do this? I can guarantee, it’s not half as crazy as carrying on stuck and miserable. Sometimes what we resist most is what will set us free.

3. Get ruthlessly honest – with you and make a decision to change, no matter what!

Have you got a habit of driving wonderful people to the brink of insanity – and out of your life? Are you always needy beyond what any one person can reasonably provide you? Are you difficult? Is your life a constant ode to disaster and chaos, (or are some aspects of your life constantly troublesome)? The common factor is YOU my friend.

Do you judge others constantly (and yourself also)? Are you perfectionistic and correspondingly miserable? Do you feel like a fraud if you’re successful and quickly bring yourself back down to mediocrity?

Are your intimate relationships co-dependent and destructive? Do your friends change constantly? Do you have trouble keeping some mental issues from intervening in your work? Are you depressed and anxious and what seems to ‘fix it’ for others doesn’t work for you?

Is NOW the time to own it? So you can have an easier, happier, more peaceful existence?

Have your best efforts so far failed to keep you from mastering what isn’t working for you? Are you constantly perplexed as to why life seems tough and other people (lots of them) respond to you why they do?

“Emotional self honesty gives us the key to self mastery and lays the groundwork for empowerment and personal freedom” Rose Aitken

Once you own it, you can change it. As much as we may think it’s everyone else’s fault or that we are the victim in our own existence, that is never true. You are in charge now and how that plays out is up to you.

4. Ask for help and guidance, reach out and be willing to receive whatever shows up

Reach out to someone you can trust. Pick someone who will listen and receive you without judgment. Say where you are at and what’s going on. Ask for them to hold space for you. Find out how they keep it together or what they do to have a life that works for them.

Trust you will be guided to someone wise and ask for help to find that person. Remain very open. Good things never show up the way we think they are going to, and we limit our receiving very much, by thinking that they do…

Explore new modalities, methods, ideas and possibilities. If what you’ve been doing isn’t working, it’s time for something else. Life is about progression and change and when we are troubled it’s very easy to become stagnant as a defense mechanism. It is never a good one and just puts us at more of a disadvantage.

5. Realize you control your thinking. Stop being neurotic, defending yourself to others and being negative

Sometimes if we want to get well, beat that eating disorder or stop our self defeating behaviors, we need to stop being so reactive to things. If we want to start becoming emotionally strong and stable, we have to stop being neurotic, needy and negative.

What do I mean by this? Stop thinking everything someone says to you is a put down, because you put yourself down and you compare yourself to them and find yourself lacking. That isn’t the other person’s fault and they probably have no idea how you feel.

Stop making yourself a victim to everything and everyone. Although life happens for you and not to you, life is also remarkably neutral. If you choose to think negatively, life will happily match you with people who do the same thing, confirming your past poor experiences and self beliefs.

If you consistently hold in place negative thoughts, you won’t be a match for happy people. You will drive anyone awesome out of your life and wonder why what shows up is negative people, places and things. I frequently see good people confused about their struggles, whilst their inner self talk and habits are devastatingly destructive.

If you project your ill feelings of yourself onto others, stop it. What you are doing is a form of narcissism. It takes humility to go “You know what, I’m sick of being messed up and making everything about me, I’m sure life has my back and I can put my head down and bravely get on with being the best me possible”.

Guess what happens when we do that? Life will meet us there and rewards us amply for our courage, perseverance and honesty. And yes, this is scary and raw and we have to face up to our old stories and where we have limited ourselves. It’s not half as scary as being permanently stuck, depressed and paralysed by own crap.

6. Get a coach

Most people still have no idea how a life coach can help them, or assist them to change their lives for the better. Having someone in your corner that has your back in every respect, who sees your true genius and can call you on your stuff is gold. We could all use a coach to help us with our mindset, to accomplish greater, feel better and to get more out of life, no matter where we are at.

Coaching is not negatively focused like therapy, although an effective coach can counsel you and help you dynamically change anything, whilst empowering you and showing you what you need to know to thrive.

This includes steering you through your deepest emotional challenges with skill and expertise, whilst holding a supportive space for you to make changes and leading you through them with kindness and compassion.

A good coach knows when to push and when to allow and knows exactly where you are at and what’s required to get to where you want to go. They will have been there themselves, worked their way through it and can inspire you with their own example.

Phenomenal coaches sense where you have skill gaps and can importantly, teach you the empowering tools you need to know, to become the person you know you can be.

If you want to discuss your future today, book here

SIX PARADIGM SHIFTS TO HELP TURN SENSITIVITY AND SOCIAL ANXIETY UPSIDE DOWN

Lately, I’ve had a plethora of clients with social anxiety.

In social settings they feel a sense of disconnection around others, being stressed, not fitting in and of being locked into their own thoughts. What they want is to be enjoying themselves, feeling confident, comfortable and having fun.

What these clients have in common, is a flow of negative thoughts that causes physical tension and upset feelings. This exempts them from ease in talking to others, from relaxing or participating in social activities and feeling comfortable out publically or in groups of their peers.

Anxiety is only ever the symptom of something deeper. The cause of their symptoms is something different for everyone and something I work one on one with, to help clients shift and clear.

Sensitivity to what is going on around us channeled correctly, helps develop resilience and massive awareness of other people and is actually a huge advantage. I assist people to begin to use their ability in this way, instead of being at the effect of it.

Here are some strategies that can make it easier to handle social anxiety.

STRATEGY ONE: BE INTERESTED NOT INTERESTING

When we focus on getting to know others, we feel more relaxed, as we don’t have to talk. Not only that, it is an easy way to build connection as when we are sincerely interested in others, they think we are wonderful people.

The obvious way to do this is to ask open ended questions, listen well to the answers and to reflect back what we have heard.

The magic in this is once we lose ourselves in it, we feel like a kind, interesting individual. If we can switch from our own head into being really present with the other person, we also tend to ease up on our anxiety.

TIP: This requires us to step out of the energy of our pain and limitation and expand into sincerely thinking of others. For me this was a decision and took a bit of courage. If I was comfortable enough to go in the first place, this usually worked and it built my confidence over time.

STRATEGY TWO: SEE WHERE OTHERS HAVE FEARS AND INSECURITIES AND STOP FOCUSING ON YOURS

Something I’ve observed frequently when hosting group events in which I know the other members, is that it’s always the chronically anxious members that piss each other off.

They get annoyed when another person didn’t acknowledge them, or put them at ease. At first this seemed petty and annoyed me, but then I realized it was enlightening.

Each person was so needy and locked into their own pile of poop, they blamed the other, when each was going through the same thing. Instead of helping or displaying empathy, they judged one other, projecting insecurity outwards and feeling angry and fearful.

TIP: Be brave enough to be empathetic. All the years I was anxious, I was either rude or made others uncomfortable with my behavior. It wasn’t my intention, but anxiety made me a selfish asshole, oblivious to other’s feelings.

I thought how I was suffering was more significant than anyone else’s right to enjoy a special occasion or have fun and I was totally wrong.

I don’t say this to belittle or embarrass you if you are an anxious person. There comes a time when we want to be well, more than we want to be powerless to our symptoms. This is an attitude adjustment that can support this change.

STRATEGY THREE: IMAGINE THE BEST (FUTURE) VERSION OF YOU AND BE THAT IN EACH SOCIAL SITUATION NOW

Imagine how the best version of you would behave if you weren’t anxious.

How would you take charge of your behavior and the situation? How much would you be able to care for others? How much would you be aware of everyone else in the room?

How much sparkle, fun, humor, great conversation and good times could you create and enjoy? I guarantee your anxious experiences have equipped you to feel out others and contribute to them effectively.

This is a heart centred approach that allows you to connect energetically with who you know you can be and also with others. If we can perceive a future possibility, it is something that is available to us, if we do the work.

TIP: Bringing in aspects of the future you, allows you to thrive in a social setting now, based on what you bring to it. This gets enhanced and projected back at you by other’s responses.

That positive feedback assists you to feel amazing and to get free and stay free.

STRATEGY FOUR: STOP ALLOWING OTHERS TO DICTATE THE COURSE OF THINGS AND TAKE CONTROL

Instead of giving your power away and wondering what others are thinking negatively about you, take a radical paradigm shift and wonder who you are drawn to instead.

One of the traps of having a ‘disorder’ is that we start to become a chronic victim and to forget we are powerful at all.

This is never true. Anxiety is always, always a source of information that the body is giving us. Learn to work with that to become powerful and you will save yourself years in the therapist’s office.

Look for the energy in the room that feels expansive to you, see who looks/feels interesting to get to know. Gravitate towards that…

TIP: If we can just take a breather from our anxiety for long enough to connect with our preferences, what we invariably find is that they are an indicator of what is a safe, happy and interesting in a situation for us.

STRATEGY FIVE: CHANGE YOUR ATTITUDE AND ENERGY TO ANY SOCIAL SITUATION

Take something nice with you to your next social occasion and enjoy sharing this. It is a starting point for conversation. It also sets up a beautiful energy for people to receive you.

I know with SA, taking a gift or buying something to share with everyone can be terrifying. Imagine how awesome the other person(s) will feel receiving, instead of focusing on wretched you feel.

If you hate small talk, change your attitude. Instead of seeing it as something trivial and irritating that is forced on you, see it as a social lubricant and art form you can master.

Wonder what you can say that would make others comfortable or to make them giggle (Ironically in the process you will feel comfortable or giggly too. Imagine what it would be like to be so adept at it, you shined whenever it was required.

TIP: How can you contribute to every situation that you are in, in a way you have never contemplated before? Contributing makes us feel good and it forces us to step out of limitation and into greater. With anxiety we usually take or hide and that can be a habitual pattern.

STRATEGY SIX: STOP GOING INTO CONCLUSIONS AND ASK QUESTIONS INSTEAD

Your awareness is a kick ass weapon. When we are in an anxious state we tend to be closed and concluding and deciding things and blocking all inwards or incoming sources of information.

Questions open things up and change where we function from in our minds. For example “I’m no good at this, no one wants to speak to me”, could become “What a lovely party, I wonder how many interesting people I can meet tonight”?

“I wonder how great I really am at interacting with others”? “How kind and funny am I really, that I have never perceived before”? “What can I do to make this the most fun evening ever for me and everyone else too”?

These questions are only examples and this is a more advanced tool for someone who is getting a handle on things. However it’s good to have many tools in our toolbox when it comes to dismantling something like anxiety.

TIP: Sometimes trying something new out in an easy moment, and sensing that it may work for us, allows us a sense of freedom and empowerment, that wasn’t there before.

As you can see, there are many tools and strategies to change the space we hold in a social setting, to intervene in our typical/ingrained chemistry and default responses to things.

If you would like to discuss your anxiety or how any of these or other strategies could help you and open up new possibilities, please connect here.

FOR EMPATHS, WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU DISCOVER SOMEONE IN YOUR WORLD IS A NARCISSIST OR YOU FIND YOURSELF IN A TOXIC SITUATION

There are many people who are toxic or harmful to be around these days. Always these people are masquerading as ‘normal’ members of society (they wouldn’t get their needs met otherwise).

 We like to think we spot such people early, but sometimes we don’t. I have found there are two types people who seem to have more challenges with this:

1. People who are genuinely kind hearted and just don’t see it. They assume everyone is like them, or at least would mean them no harm.

These people are a bit naïve perhaps, but are very loving and naturally supportive. These people focus on people’s good qualities and make assumptions such as “She seems so nice, so fun, so warm”, “She has a good job, so she must communicate well and can’t be that chaotic after all.

The trouble here is who the person truly is and how they are behaving (some of the time), doesn’t match with who the other person has decided they must be. We are very good at attributing certain characteristics to people who we decide fit certain boxes.

2. People who have had trauma in their past, who have had dysfunctional, abusive or chaotic relationships and families.

This group tolerates poor behavior and explains away red flags like champions, as they’ve had to, to survive. Unfortunately toxic individuals can sense this and love to take advantage of it.

These individuals may be unsupported in their lives and vulnerable and narcs sense this. They are also needy, because of their past experiences and therefore they may place an extreme importance on friendship and may have a misguided loyalty to those who least deserve it.

People who fall into both of these categories, are doubly at risk. However, there is hope for these individuals if they are open to grow and learn, rather than getting crushed by their experiences of toxic people. They can take all of this information and integrate it into wisdom to become almost ‘narcissist proof’.

This would be by way of understanding behavioral cues, acknowledging red flags, owning their own feelings that something is off and setting boundaries that they enforce regardless of any mitigating factors.

It’s also about not going into self doubt and NOT placing a sense of compassion for the narcs struggles ahead of our own well-being. We must trust that if we do our inner work, we will be on the right path for more loving individuals to show up.

HERE ARE SOME QUESTIONS WE CAN ASK OURSELVES IF WE ARE UNSURE IF SOMEONE IS A FRIEND OR IS HARMFUL TO US


❓ Truth, is this person a contribution to me?

❓ Truth, what is this funny energy/thing that I’m aware of?

❓Is this friendship working for me?

❓ Is it time to move on now with truth and grace?

❓ What’s required here?

❓ Can this be changed?

❓ Can I change it?

❓ Do I need to cut this person lose?

❓ Am I willing to tolerate this?

❓ How much am I willing to tolerate?

❓ Who does this ‘funky feeling’ belong to? Is it mine?

The purpose of the questions is to become focused and aware of what we know, that we haven’t acknowledged, because we have been deceived or misled, or we haven’t yet fully clicked on to what is happening.

Depending on how well we know someone, narcs can keep up a front for typically about 12 weeks, or in a less immediate/intimate friendship for up to a year/eighteen months.

There is often a difficulty when people feel a sense of loyalty to the narcissist. It’s a big shift from trusted friend to “Omg, you’re really, truly like that”???

It’s often a shock, to discover that someone you have held in high regard is really capable of treacherous thoughts or behaviors. Or perhaps, they have been manipulating or judging us this whole time, or they have a disorder that they have been masking.

This can be very surreal as you may share many friends in common with this toxic individual. You may be the first or only person to have uncovered these traits, or who’s gotten to know them well enough to see this aspect of them.

They may be professionally well regarded, or others may think this individual is wonderful. You must realize this is a function of your ability to create connections with others and to see what is real. Don’t assume this is a wrongness of you (which is what the narc is hoping will happen).

When the truth is uncovered, it can seem very sudden and confusing. We can feel vulnerable trying to extricate ourselves – like trying to exit a minefield. Backpedaling, or implementing boundaries once we are entangled with them can seem futile.

There strategies work well. One is an immediate withdrawal, with as little explanation as possible. This takes a strength of character and self confidence, not to be suckered into responding to them and not to feel sorry for their ‘confusion’. They will likely have experienced this before from many people before you.

The second is to sit back and observe. The first option is often preferable, as once we’ve seen what is, we really don’t need to confirm it and funnily enough at that point there is often a flurry of damaging behavior, so if we stick around, it goes downhill fast.

NEVER enter into an argument with a narcissist and NEVER try to obtain an apology or rational explanation for their behavior. In my experience they are incapable of either of those things.

A real apology looks like this…

  • I’m so sorry,
  • I was wrong,
  • How can I possibly put things right?

A narcissist apology looks like this:

If you do go down the route of pointing out to a narc how their behavior has affected you or someone else, be prepared for all hell to break lose.

You will be wrong and bad, you will be a ‘terrible’ person and on and on…This is why the first strategy is far more effective. Although, if you pick the messy route, you will soon discover (often sickeningly too late) that you were correct.

If you have had a recent narc experience, especially one that got ugly, here’s what you can do to move forwards:


💚 Cease all contact with that person immediately


💚 Maintain your other relationships with care and be aware where the narcissist may try to do you damage in mutual friendships. (If that is the case, those friendships weren’t worth having either).

Sometimes the Universe will give us a ‘clean out’ and this is very tough at the time, however it is necessary to get to a level where ALL our friendships are genuine and generative and loving. Think of it as ‘uplevelling’ your experience as we are the average of the 5 people we spend the most time with and be grateful that you worked it out already.


💚 Bolster your own well being emotionally and physically. Be around those who do understand and who get it and who value you.


💚 You aren’t wrong for this experience. You just needed some more instruction in how to avoid these characters. Remember they aren’t wrong either, although toxic for you, they are on their journey and that is what they chose this time around. It’s a tough reality, but not your place to question the wisdom of their soul decisions.


💚 Forgive yourself, be kind to you. Clear all soul contracts with this person. Be thankful for their contribution to your life and your learning. Bless them and release all energetic connections and entanglements with them. Try not to go into wrongness of you. Just know it was part of a bigger picture and you aren’t in control. You get to chose your reactions from here on out and you get to choose new friends who are more aligned with what you are asking for.


💚 Deliberately have fun and do things to bring you joy. Focus on your work and/or your goals and things that are fulfilling to you and your purpose.


💚 Take responsibility, you manifest everything into your experience and there is some part of you that is an energetic match for them. Again, this is NOT a wrongness of you, it is part of your learning IF you are willing to see it that way. Now, I’m not saying you are a narcissist, but maybe you have healing to do from some past narcissistic abuse, maybe you have more understanding to garner on that subject, before you can be truly free.


💚 Process, learn and thrive. Each day as these events drift into your mind or experience and you are aware of them, don’t dwell and stay stuck in all of it. Allow it to be what it was, trust that life has your back and focus mostly on where you want to head, whilst still getting the development.