Do you have anxiety, depression and/or low self esteem? Some common thought processes you may relate to and how you can change them

1.Your comfort zone is set to Chaos and disaster

You may sometimes feel temporarily happy when great things happen, but you are always much more accustomed to and comfortable with, the sensation that things are about to go horribly wrong.

If and when things go spectacularly right, you are elated briefly, then you go into fear and become uncomfortable, like you’re not a person for whom this happens. You remind yourself that your place isn’t being successful, other people’s best is better anyway, its only a matter of time before you stuff things up, or life shits on you again…

Then hey presto! Things go wrong and you feel relieved.

Essentially, you don’t trust you, you don’t trust life and your experience has shown you that with your current level of life skills and lack of emotional mastery, you will stuff things up again sooner or later.

That is a self-fulfilling prophecy that you haven’t managed to out create yet.

TIP: You have a plethora of negative beliefs based off past painful experiences that have provided you with evidence of (what you’ve decided) is your general ineptitude for winning at life. Please note: This is not a wrongness of you, it is a cognitive function that takes place when we have experienced things we didn’t know how to handle.

See a psychologist, therapist, coach or psycho-spiritual counsellor, who is holistic and can assist you to safely unravel these and the much earlier wounds underlying these expressions of fear and self-loathing.

Seek out someone you really like who ‘gets you’ and can help you replace these beliefs with what’s genuinely good about you that you are unable to connect with.

“You can’t build a new house on old foundations” Rose Aitken

2. You do control like a champion

Because you know you lack the autonomy and emotional guidance and positive experience to access your own wisdom, you do control instead.

Any time something happens to remove your sensation of control, or events go ‘wrong’, you may do some of the following: You may sulk, argue, pout, or withdraw. You may even defend, freak out, or go into victim mode and blame other people or circumstances.

When this happens, you lapse harder into control, to try to prevent another melt down and people seeing behind your efficient façade.

As a result, you are wired, nervous, jittery and permanently exhausted. You give your power away or snap at others and if you don’t isolate yourself to recharge, you tend to lose it altogether.

You want off this treadmill, but don’t know why you are on it in the first place. It doesn’t make sense other people have ease and your life feels crappy and it seems as though you are powerless. You may over react to things and need a lot of alone time. You probably hide this by saying you are tired, sick or an introvert.

You just want to cry, but you don’t have time for that, because you are stuck in a desperate cycle, striving to create success. It just never comes and you remain in the dark as to why.

TIP: You my beautiful friend are powerful beyond your knowing, no one has ever shown you how to access your potency.

These difficulties and the accompanying beliefs you have about them are not real or true. They seem it though and they are masking the beauty and magnificence of you, which you can’t yet feel.

Find someone who is extra-ordinary at seeing people’s potential and nurturing that and work with that person until things start to shift and change.

Learn new tools that empower you, so you can put the useless and self deffeating illusion of control away for good.

We are all just buckled in for this ride and the only control we have is over ourselves. Once we start to develop emotional mastery, life becomes a pleasure and we feel happy.

3. You blame others instead of acknowledging your own skill deficits

It hurts to acknowledge when we are wrong. It’s terrifying to contemplate that we don’t know what we’re doing. Honestly, none of us does, we are all messing our way through life, the best we know how.

It takes humility to look inwards and acknowledge our pain and struggle is the result of our own thinking. Perhaps events have happened that were difficult or traumatic. For sure you aren’t responsible, but dealing with the aftermath, is your job. It might not be fair, but that’s how life works. That’s why we have experts who can help and others who can support and listen.

Maybe our parents taught us poorly and we’ve never actually contemplated that. Perhaps we’ve made everyone who triggered us wrong and blamed them, whilst staying loyal to a dysfunctional family system.

If Mum and Dad had it wrong, what hope is there for us?? The fact is, Mum and Dad (as sacrificing and beautiful as they may be), are flawed and human and their parents were too. They did the best they could with what they knew and it may or may not have been good work. Acknowledging this (if it applies to you) isn’t unloving, it’s smart.

TIP: Part of life is being able to assess who we are, what ‘life training’ we’ve had and whether it is truly effective. Until we are truly sick of our own nonsense, we will look to blame, because it’s the only way we can justify where things are at.

If you aren’t excelling and you’re not happy, these are signs, you might need some more skills to manage life. None of us knows it all and maybe there are other perspectives, mindsets and tools and techniques out there that would benefit you.

Asking for help isn’t a failure, it shows a desire to improve and be better. That is admirable.

4. You feel like a fraud at work or in other arenas

Imposter Syndrome is a specific phenomenon, which arises through having negative past experiences and not believing in ourselves enough. It seems much more common with woman and is a sign we have inner work to do and beliefs to shift.

I think it’s sort of a chemical manifestation of our emotional insecurities, projected outwards onto our occupation or role in society. If we have this going on, the issue isn’t our professional capabilities. Instead, there are some incongruities between our professional skills and our inner landscape.

We feel this and question our competency – feeling fraudulent, instead of asking what support or skills we require to go forwards.  

I experienced this about five years ago and although I was enormously capable, I wasn’t emotionally ready and skilled enough, to get where I am now and where I am headed in the future. This is an incongruity that is unpleasant, confusing and distracting.

I think women frequently mis-understand where this is coming from, and wrongly attribute it to just needing a push or bit of extra motivation. I’ve seen a lot of ra ra girl power posts suggesting women ignore this emotion and pump themselves us instead.

I don’t agree, Imposter Syndrome can’t be ‘fixed’ by a cheap shot of fake motivation. Instead it is keeping us safe, as we may be ready professionally to step up, but personally, we are not. We aren’t ready to be in the ball park we want to hit from.

TIP: Where are things are incongruent between your goals and your emotions? How can you bridge that gap?

Book a session with someone you admire. Speak to your coach, do some journaling, meditate, go for a run. Allow that thing to emerge. Face it, feel into it, welcome it, talk directly to it. Ask it to show you what you need to know. Honor it, release it with love. Incubate the changes you require.

Ask questions:

  • Truth, what is this sensation?
  • Can this be changed?
  • Can I change it?
  • How do I change it?

What else is truly possible for me that I’ve never perceived or thought possible? How do I connect authentically with that?

When Change Seems Impossible and Yet it is our Only Option…How to embrace it and get out of your own way

Some of us have without even knowing it yet, chosen a path of expansion, self-awareness, growth and change for this journey here on earth.

This article is not for those of you who know this, or who are currently exploring a path of self-awareness, enlightenment and growth. It is for those of you in that precarious and painful place, where you are being uncomfortably redirected. You may not know it yet, but you are undergoing the beginnings of the breakdown of everything you thought you knew about life.

You might be beginning to recognize the stirrings of a desire to overcome what isn’t working. Perhaps there is a version of you, you secretly long for (perhaps more than anything).  Maybe you desire a transformation of consciousness that would provide you with ease, and a level of mastery that would enable your highest purpose and attributes to emerge.

Most likely this sensation is enticing, almost seductive, yet elusive and frustrating, because for now, you are not yet embracing this possibility.

For some strange reason you cannot fathom, you are developing a sense that you are supposed to be more, you can be more, you deeply desire more and yet…

For that to happen, and for us to be truly ready, everything we thought we knew, needs to fall apart.

“The bit before the Breakthrough, feels like a breakdown” Dr Dain Heer

1.Growing pains

Not only is that breakdown tumultuous to experience, it is scary, often incredibly painful and confusing. We are actually being prodded, to embrace an as yet, invisible, reality.

We may alternate between reading about self and spiritual development and feeling inspired, followed by turning to old destructive habits and people.

Whilst some people have perhaps what could be termed a mild ‘rock bottom’. For others, it needs to be an explosive and all encompassing, implosion and quest for survival, to force a new direction and justify different choices.

I clearly recall, prior to choosing my biggest changes, the intense sensation of being unable to get off the path I knew, whilst deviating temporarily into exploring what was greater.  Yet, for the longest time, I continued to return to the same day to day existence.

In retrospect, the trajectory of things was headed in line with my soul choices. However, because I consistently rejected opportunities embrace my purpose, it took an explosive turn of events, for me to align with my true course. I could then feel justified in wholeheartedly, committing to it.

It was almost as though I needed to be able to say I had no other option, or I had to exhaust every other alternative, before I would ‘go there’.

All the while this was happening, I was in pain emotionally. My soul was crying out for the path of least resistance. Yet the human version of me didn’t fully listen. Part of that was down to the action of the ego and a thing known as resistance.

2. The Devil known as Resistance

As we move to the end of the road as a victim of our circumstances and life starts to place into our awareness a desire to change, resistance may emerge as our constant companion.

It is our comfort when we get to close to the precipice of change and our tormenter when we want to leap. Resistance paralyses us, keeping us in a never-ending state of misery.  

When I was resistance filled, I used to oscillate between anger, futility, despair, rage and self-hatred. I was shackled to dining at the picnic basket of hating life, detesting my inability to commit to being different, yet feeling I would die if I stayed one more second as I was.

I know fewer ways of feeling more tortured on an ongoing daily basis.  Staying the same feels like a long, painful, excruciating death. The thought of change feels intolerable, irritating, terrifying, unpleasant and horrible to contemplate.

3. The biology of staying safe (and small)

Resistance is the domain of the ego.

Your ego is essentially controlled by your cave man brain. It’s job is to be vigilant and keep you breathing and alive. It associates change with fear and danger. Therefore, it creates terror and a sense of dread around change. Your ego wants you to stay safe and small.

If you are in that position, congratulations, you have a very strong desire to survive lol. The discomfort you are experiencing is a natural, instinctive reaction to preserving your existence.

Unfortunately, that isn’t serving you (if you are on the cusp of change) and when you can’t spend one more second feeling the way you do, the jig is up. It’s time to shift and do something about it.

4. Disarm the ego, brace yourself and jump

Sometimes, we can just acknowledge our ego and tell it:

“I have got this, I don’t need you right now, thank you for keeping us safe for so long”

Then we need to leap off the cliff without the proverbial parachute.

(What I mean by this, is we take a leap into personal development, reach out for help and decide to be different, to grow, overcome, learn and to do what’s required to handle the discomfort of growth, as opposed to stagnation).

We need to find someone we trust, look for a program of change, do some research, ask some questions and go for gold.

5. The relief of committing to a course of action

It may surprise you, usually when we make a genuine decision to change, there is a sense of immense relief.

Gone is the resistance and it is usually replaced by a mixture of fear and excitement. This is completely normal and very common.

We know when we are being guided, pulled or led to being different. There is definitely a sensation of being coaxed, encouraged and stroked by the Universe and all of life, into finally reaching for our greatness. With that and our new sense of direction, may come a sense of release, trust and letting go, perhaps for the first time.

6. Unexpected support and opportunity

When we follow through on changing ourselves from the inside out, all of life will honour our intention and show up to support us.

I’ve been constantly amazed in my journey, once I was a little bit open and doing my best to be better, how the lessons I received, were perfect for me.

Usually they were just painful enough for me to take notice and large enough to enable the alchemy of my transformation. However, they were not so large that they crippled me.

Many times during the early days of my metamorphosis, I wanted to cry myself to sleep and not wake up. Yet, I knew I was supposed to be here, I had to keep going and on the other side of self mastery, was something I couldn’t describe. Keeping going in those moments is true courage. The result of persistent courage, is that you develop resilience.

Diamonds are made under pressure – Unknown

If this is your time for change, your season for change, please reach out.

You know what you know. Don’t wait as long as I did. It could be the hardest decision you ever make. If you do the work, the rewards will be even more incredible than you can begin to imagine.

As you begin to master you, you get to your mountain top and from there the downhill begins.

With love