FOUR COMMON NEGATIVE THOUGHT PROCESSES AND HOW TO SHIFT THEM


1.Your comfort zone is set to Chaos and disaster

You may sometimes feel temporarily happy when great things happen, but you are always much more accustomed to and comfortable with, the sensation that things are about to go horribly wrong.

If and when things go spectacularly right, you are elated briefly, then you go into fear and become uncomfortable, like you’re not a person for whom this happens. You remind yourself that your place isn’t being successful, other people’s best is better anyway, its only a matter of time before you stuff things up, or life shits on you again…

Then hey presto! Things go wrong and you feel relieved.

Essentially, you don’t trust you, you don’t trust life and your experience has shown you that with your current level of life skills and lack of emotional mastery, you will stuff things up again sooner or later.

That is a self-fulfilling prophecy that you haven’t managed to out create yet.

TIP: You have a plethora of negative beliefs based off past painful experiences that have provided you with evidence of (what you’ve decided) is your general ineptitude for winning at life. Please note: This is not a wrongness of you, it is a cognitive function that takes place when we have experienced things we didn’t know how to handle.

See a psychologist, therapist, coach or psycho-spiritual counsellor, who is holistic and can assist you to safely unravel these and the much earlier wounds underlying these expressions of fear and self-loathing.

Seek out someone you really like who ‘gets you’ and can help you replace these beliefs with what’s genuinely good about you that you are unable to connect with.

“You can’t build a new house on old foundations” Rose Aitken

2. You do control like a champion

Because you know you lack the autonomy and emotional guidance and positive experience to access your own wisdom, you do control instead.

Any time something happens to remove your sensation of control, or events go ‘wrong’, you may do some of the following: You may sulk, argue, pout, or withdraw. You may even defend, freak out, or go into victim mode and blame other people or circumstances.

When this happens, you lapse harder into control, to try to prevent another melt down and people seeing behind your efficient façade.

As a result, you are wired, nervous, jittery and permanently exhausted. You give your power away or snap at others and if you don’t isolate yourself to recharge, you tend to lose it altogether.

You want off this treadmill, but don’t know why you are on it in the first place. It doesn’t make sense other people have ease and your life feels crappy and it seems as though you are powerless. You may over react to things and need a lot of alone time. You probably hide this by saying you are tired, sick or an introvert.

You just want to cry, but you don’t have time for that, because you are stuck in a desperate cycle, striving to create success. It just never comes and you remain in the dark as to why.

TIP: You my beautiful friend are powerful beyond your knowing, no one has ever shown you how to access your potency.

These difficulties and the accompanying beliefs you have about them are not real or true. They seem it though and they are masking the beauty and magnificence of you, which you can’t yet feel.

Find someone who is extra-ordinary at seeing people’s potential and nurturing that and work with that person until things start to shift and change.

Learn new tools that empower you, so you can put the useless and self deffeating illusion of control away for good.

We are all just buckled in for this ride and the only control we have is over ourselves. Once we start to develop emotional mastery, life becomes a pleasure and we feel happy.

3. You blame others instead of acknowledging your own skill deficits

It hurts to acknowledge when we are wrong. It’s terrifying to contemplate that we don’t know what we’re doing. Honestly, none of us does, we are all messing our way through life, the best we know how.

It takes humility to look inwards and acknowledge our pain and struggle is the result of our own thinking. Perhaps events have happened that were difficult or traumatic. For sure you aren’t responsible, but dealing with the aftermath, is your job. It might not be fair, but that’s how life works. That’s why we have experts who can help and others who can support and listen.

Maybe our parents taught us poorly and we’ve never actually contemplated that. Perhaps we’ve made everyone who triggered us wrong and blamed them, whilst staying loyal to a dysfunctional family system.

If Mum and Dad had it wrong, what hope is there for us?? The fact is, Mum and Dad (as sacrificing and beautiful as they may be), are flawed and human and their parents were too. They did the best they could with what they knew and it may or may not have been good work. Acknowledging this (if it applies to you) isn’t unloving, it’s smart.

TIP: Part of life is being able to assess who we are, what ‘life training’ we’ve had and whether it is truly effective. Until we are truly sick of our own nonsense, we will look to blame, because it’s the only way we can justify where things are at.

If you aren’t excelling and you’re not happy, these are signs, you might need some more skills to manage life. None of us knows it all and maybe there are other perspectives, mindsets and tools and techniques out there that would benefit you.

Asking for help isn’t a failure, it shows a desire to improve and be better. That is admirable.

4. You feel like a fraud at work or in other arenas

Imposter Syndrome is a specific phenomenon, which arises through having negative past experiences and not believing in ourselves enough. It seems much more common with woman and is a sign we have inner work to do and beliefs to shift.

I think it’s sort of a chemical manifestation of our emotional insecurities, projected outwards onto our occupation or role in society. If we have this going on, the issue isn’t our professional capabilities. Instead, there are some incongruities between our professional skills and our inner landscape.

We feel this and question our competency – feeling fraudulent, instead of asking what support or skills we require to go forwards.  

I experienced this about five years ago and although I was enormously capable, I wasn’t emotionally ready and skilled enough, to get where I am now and where I am headed in the future. This is an incongruity that is unpleasant, confusing and distracting.

I think women frequently mis-understand where this is coming from, and wrongly attribute it to just needing a push or bit of extra motivation. I’ve seen a lot of ra ra girl power posts suggesting women ignore this emotion and pump themselves us instead.

I don’t agree, Imposter Syndrome can’t be ‘fixed’ by a cheap shot of fake motivation. Instead it is keeping us safe, as we may be ready professionally to step up, but personally, we are not. We aren’t ready to be in the ball park we want to hit from.

TIP: Where are things are incongruent between your goals and your emotions? How can you bridge that gap?

Book a session with someone you admire. Speak to your coach, do some journaling, meditate, go for a run. Allow that thing to emerge. Face it, feel into it, welcome it, talk directly to it. Ask it to show you what you need to know. Honor it, release it with love. Incubate the changes you require.

Ask questions:

  • Truth, what is this sensation?
  • Can this be changed?
  • Can I change it?
  • How do I change it?

What else is truly possible for me that I’ve never perceived or thought possible? How do I connect authentically with that?

TEN STRATEGIES TO GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY AND GO FORWARDS, EVEN WHEN YOU FEEL STUCK AND IN PAIN

Embarking on a quest for answers and practicing self development is often the result of experiencing stuckness and emotional pain.

When we persist, we get breakthroughs and we may feel relief and discover new facets to ourselves. We may even set forth in a completely new direction.

Even if you have already had several experiences of breakthroughs and experiencing expansion and being re-directed, you will still hit those uncomfortable spots where you feel stuck again and require guidance.

This is not because we are inadequate, but because we are asking for greater. We have not been where we are heading before and sometimes we benefit from those who are expert at easing us into those changes and equipping us for the journey.

When we make the demand of ourselves and of life, and we get sick of our own suffering, we can go powerfully forwards. Here’s how:

1. TRUST AND ALLOW

Transformation (particularly when we are new to it) is terrifying. We are actually being prodded to embrace an as yet, invisible, reality. That requires us to trust on a level we have never trusted before.

We may alternate between reading about self and spiritual development and feeling inspired, followed by turning to old destructive habits and people.

Sometimes this is necessary part of the journey as it soothes us when we are so uncomfortable and allows us temporary respite while we re-group.

2. EXPECT INTENSITY

For some, change needs to be an implosion of their existing life and a quest for survival, that forces new direction and justifies different choices.

There can be several reasons for this. We may be very attached to who we had decided we had to be, or to what others think of us. Or holding fast to what we know might feel like a survival strategy

I clearly recall years ago, as my old life broke down around me, feeling like a would die if I stayed stuck one more second, yet simultaneously feeling powerless to change. I was lost but desperately wanting a better way to be.

I was scared that anything I did, would be as painful or worse than what I was already experiencing. However, my soul was crying out for a path of less resistance.

Luckily life had my back and events out of my control forced my hand. I needed that, as I was willing, I was just stuck in my old identity and didn’t know how to change.

3. MAKE THE DEMAND OF LIFE AND OF YOURSELF TO BE DIFFERENT

Even if we don’t know what this looks like and we have heaps of resistance, if we make the demand, life will bring about circumstances that support the change we require.

4. UNDERSTAND YOU ARE WIRED FOR SAFETY NOT CHANGE

Resistance is the domain of the ego.Your ego associates change with fear and danger. Therefore, it creates terror and a sense of dread around change.

If you are in that position, congratulations, you have a very strong desire to survive lol. The discomfort you are experiencing is a natural, instinctive reaction to preserving your existence.

5. RECOGNIZE RESISTANCE

As we move to the end of the road as a victim of our circumstances and life starts to place into our awareness a desire to change, resistance may emerge as our constant companion.

Resistance is our comfort when we get to close to the precipice of change and our tormenter when we want to leap. Just like the bungy jumper that won’t get off the platform, we stand there feeling silly, desiring the thrill of the leap and being terrified all at once.

When I was resistance filled, I used to oscillate between anger, futility, despair, rage and self-hatred. I was shackled to my past and yet deeply desired freedom.

6. DISARM THE EGO, BRACE YOURSELF AND LEAP

We can take control with our ego, by addressing it directly. You may say something like the following

“I have got this, I don’t need you right now, thank you for keeping us safe for so long” Then we need to leap off the cliff and trust life to catch us on the way down.

When we do this, life shows up to support us. You will meet people, have opportunities and create connections that do gently urge us in the direction we need to go.

7. RELIEF

When we make a genuine decision to change, there is a sense of immense relief.

Resistance is usually replaced by a mixture of fear and excitement. This is completely normal and is a sign of positive possibilities.

If we allow it, there may be a sense of being guided, pulled or led. There is definitely a sensation of being encouraged and stroked by the Universe and all of life, into finally reaching for our greatness.

With that and our new sense of direction, may come a sense of release and letting go, perhaps for the first time.

8. DIVINELY LED SUPPORT AND OPPORTUNITY

When we follow through on changing ourselves from the inside out, life will honor our intention and show up to assist.

I’ve been constantly amazed in my journey, once I was a little bit open and doing my best to be better, how the lessons I received, were perfect for me.

Usually they were just painful enough for me to take notice and enable my transformation without crippling me.

Many times during the early days of my metamorphosis, I wanted to cry myself to sleep and not wake up. It’s tough showing up in the world differently when we are vulnerable and perhaps learning what we need to know.

Despite this, I was supposed to be here, I had to keep going and on the other side of self mastery, was something I couldn’t give words. I just knew.

9. IT GETS BETTER

Keeping going in those moments is true courage. The result of persistent courage, is that you develop resilience and confidence.

Diamonds are made under pressure – Unknown

10. LISTEN TO YOUR KNOWING

You know what you know. You don’t need to wait as long as I did.

Changing can be the hardest decision you ever make, however if you do the work, the rewards will be even more incredible than you can imagine.

As you begin to master yourself, you get to your mountain top and from there the downhill begins.

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